Intimate Partner Violence and Custody Issues

Revised

October 2025

September 2017

This guide is part of a series aimed at helping families in which parents are separated or divorcing and who share parenting responsibilities for children. We will use the terms divorce and separation interchangeably to describe parents who are separated from each other.

Lucia G. Medina, Doctoral Student, Human Development & Family Science

Shadi Ansari, Doctoral Student, Human Development & Family Science

Dr. Kale Monk, Associate Professor & State Extension Specialist, Human Development & Family Science

Intimate partner violence refers to any form of harm caused by a current or former romantic partner. This harm can be physical, emotional, sexual, verbal or financial. This can occur whether or not the couple lives together and often involves ongoing patterns of control or abuse in the relationship.

Children who are exposed to this kind of violence, whether they directly see it, hear it, or even just know that it is happening, can suffer serious emotional and developmental consequences (e.g., affected physiological stress response, executive functioning, attachment, mental health, academic functioning, and social functioning). This exposure is considered a form of child maltreatment, even if the child is not physically harmed.

Intimate partner violence can have serious and lasting consequences for victims, affecting their physical health, mental well-being, and overall safety. Research shows that people who experience intimate partner violence are at higher risk for injuries, chronic health problems like headaches or digestive issues, and complications during pregnancy. Many also face emotional and psychological effects such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, and low self-esteem. Intimate partner violence can make it harder for victims to keep a job, maintain social relationships, or feel safe in their own homes. In some cases, the abuse can become life-threatening. These impacts don’t end when the violence stops, survivors may carry the effects for years without the right support or resources. Therefore, it is important to provide comprehensive support to intimate partner violence survivors, including mental health services, medical care, and social support systems. Addressing the multifaceted impact of intimate partner violence is crucial for the well-being and recovery of those affected.

How to recognize intimate partner violence

Intimate partner violence can take many forms, not all of them physical. Some signs that a person may be experiencing intimate partner violence include:

Physical abuse: Inflicting physical harm through actions like hitting, slapping or strangulation. Strangulation, in particular, is a dangerous form of assault that can lead to unconsciousness or death within minutes and is recognized as a specific criminal offense in many jurisdictions.
Emotional and psychological abuse: Undermining a partner's self-worth through constant criticism, humiliation or manipulation. This can also involve gaslighting, where the abuser makes the victim doubt their perceptions or memories.
Isolation: Controlling a partner's social interactions by limiting contact with family and friends, monitoring communications, or restricting access to information and resources. This tactic increases the victim's dependency on the abuser and reduces opportunities for support.
Economic abuse: Exerting control by restricting access to financial resources, sabotaging employment opportunities, or accumulating debt in the victim's name.
Technological abuse: Using technology to monitor, harass or control a partner. This includes tracking devices, unauthorized access to personal accounts, or excessive messaging. Such behaviors can erode privacy and autonomy under the guise of care or concern.
Using children: Manipulating or threatening to harm children to control the partner. This can involve using children as messengers, making false allegations, or threatening to take custody away.
Sexual abuse: Forcing or coercing sexual acts without consent, including reproductive coercion, where the abuser controls reproductive choices to maintain dominance.
Stalking and harassment: Repeatedly following, monitoring or contacting a partner in a way that causes fear or distress. This behavior can persist even after the relationship has ended.
Threats and intimidation: Using threats of violence, destruction of property or harm to pets to instill fear and compliance.

Safety issues

There are a number of ways individuals who experience abuse can try to protect themselves and their children.

A survivor can file a criminal police report about the abuse, or they can file for an order of protection in civil court. Through an order of protection, the court places restrictions on abusers that can subject them to arrest and jail time. In Missouri, for instance, an order of protection can include provisions such as prohibiting the abuser from contacting the victim, requiring them to stay away from the victim's home or workplace, and granting temporary custody of children to the non-abusive parent.

It is important to note, however, that once a custody order is made or pending in a divorce or paternity case, a custody order cannot be made in an order of protection. If a survivor already has an order of protection in place when the custody case begins, an opposing counsel might suggest dismissing the existing order of protection in favor of a no-contact order in the dissolution case. A no-contact order in a dissolution case does not have criminal penalties, unlike an order of protection. Abusive individuals cannot be arrested for violating a no-contact order, and the police will not enforce no-contact orders contained in a dissolution or custody order.

During a custody court process, survivors have to make several decisions about the future for themselves and their children. The courts greatly emphasize cooperation between separating parents. For example, mediation and joint custody arrangements are routine in custody cases. However, survivors can ask the court to waive mandatory mediation because they are victims of domestic violence. It is important to discuss these issues with an attorney.

If survivors fear for their safety in the courthouse, they can also seek the services of a domestic violence shelter advocate or an escort to take them to court and elsewhere. Survivors can also request for the court marshal or bailiff to use appropriate safety measures in or after court. Marshals and bailiffs might be able to accompany survivors to their vehicle or ask that the abusive partner remain in the courthouse while the survivor leaves. Learn what safety measures a local court can provide.

Safety in emergencies and during an abusive incident

There are some important things you can do to protect yourself during an abusive incident:

Be alert for any signs that your abuser might be upset or break out in violence.
Go into a room or area with access to an exit; not the bathroom, kitchen or anywhere near weapons.
Keep a packed bag ready and hidden to leave quickly.
Fuel up the car in advance, making sure it is facing the exit, with only the driver's door unlocked and a spare key well hidden from the abuser.
Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance.
Think about who to call for support such as a friend, family member or a domestic violence hotline. Memorize or program their numbers into your phone.
Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends, coworkers and neighbors when you need the police.
Develop a plan for where you will go if you have to leave home, even if you don't think you will need to. Know the phone number of a shelter in your area you can call if you need a safe place to stay.
If you have a cell phone, keep it charged and near you.
Use your instincts and judgment. If the situation is dangerous, consider giving the abuser what is necessary to calm them.

Safety when preparing to leave

There are several considerations when preparing to leave an abusive situation:

Open a savings account in your name and think of other ways to make yourself more independent.
Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
Determine who will let you stay with them or lend you money.
Keep important phone numbers close at hand, such as that of a local shelter.
Keep a packed bag hidden in a safe place containing essential items such as cash, important documents (e.g., identification, birth certificates), extra clothing, medications and keys. This preparation allows for a quicker and safer departure when necessary.
Make a safety plan and review it regularly to plan the safest way to leave.

What you can do to help your children

Parents and children might continue to experience stress after divorce. In some situations, a final divorce does not mean abusive behaviors or violence have stopped. Look out for these symptoms of stress:

Fear of closeness or difficulty trusting others
Post-traumatic stress disorder, the signs of which include re-experiencing a traumatic event, feeling numb and constantly on edge
Anxiety
Withdrawal or depression
Low self-regulation
Sleep problems
Physical complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches
Defiant or aggressive behavior, such as biting or hitting
Delinquent behavior
Problems at work or school

Depending on the levels of violence witnessed or experienced, the custodial parent might want to consider getting their children proper counseling to help them cope with the effects of domestic violence and divorce. Here are some helpful age-appropriate strategies you can use as a parent:

Infants
Maintain their normal, routine schedules. Continue reassuring them of your presence with affectionate care. Make sure their favorite toys or blankets are always within reach.
Toddlers
Arrive earlier than usual when you are separating, such as when dropping them off at day care. Reassure them of your presence with loving affection and that you will protect them from harm. Let them know you understand their distress by being patient and supportive of old and new behaviors, such as during toilet training. Provide a safe play environment and make time for cognitive and physical stimulating activities (e.g., emotional stand-ins, art and messy play, running, building, puzzles and books).
Preschool and early elementary
Consistently remind them they are not responsible for the violence or abuse. Be sensitive to and discuss children's thoughts and feelings. Remind them that violence is not the proper way to handle issues with others. Reassure them that you will not hurt them and will not let anyone else hurt them.
Preteen and adolescence
Remain open to communication with them and reassure them of your presence with loving affection. Remind them that violence is not the proper way to handle issues with others. Maintain routines within the family, such as Sunday dinners, weeknight homework, or family-fun nights. Give them household chores and responsibilities if necessary, such as doing laundry and preparing meals, and show your appreciation for their doing these tasks.

Behaviors to avoid

Children can understand and interpret your behaviors more than you might think, so be aware of what you say and do. Here is a list of behaviors for parents to avoid:

Saying bad things about the other parent, such as by calling them names or blaming them for things
Fighting or arguing with the other parent in person, over the phone or in other modes of communication
Confiding in your children, especially your teenagers
Putting your children in the middle as messengers between parents
Erratic rules and unpredictable consequences can create confusion and insecurity in children. Consistent and predictable parenting practices are essential for a child's sense of safety and trust.
Failing to acknowledge and address a child's emotional needs during times of family stress can lead to feelings of neglect and abandonment. Active listening and emotional validation are key components of supportive parenting

Dissolution and custody cases

Many individuals who have experienced abuse fear losing custody of their children to an abusive partner. Missouri is a friendly parent state, which means that courts favor granting joint custody. It is the policy of the state that frequent, continuing and meaningful contact with both parents is in children’s best interest. There is an exception to this policy for cases in which the court finds that such contact is not in the best interest of the children, such as in an intimate partner violence situation.

Not all attorneys are knowledgeable about domestic violence. Some attorneys understand better than others the dynamics of domestic violence and have experience with the impacts of domestic violence on custody issues. To locate an experienced attorney, survivors might contact:

Local victim advocate services: Organizations like True North in Missouri offer shelter, crisis hotlines, and can connect survivors with legal resources.
Local legal services, such as Legal Aid or Legal Services. Mid-Missouri Legal Services provides free or low-cost legal assistance to eligible individuals, including those facing domestic violence situations.
Pro Bono and Judicare Programs: Missouri operates organized pro bono and reduced-fee (judicare) programs through regional legal services, providing access to attorneys for those who qualify.

If it is safe to do so, survivors can keep copies, records and personal journals of the following to help with their case:

Written records of all interactions with the abuser, including exact times and dates children are picked up and returned, dates and amounts of child support paid and owed, and any violations of court orders of protection
Documentation of abuse, such as police reports, medical records, photographs and claims for crime victim compensation
Certified copy of marriage certificate, children’s birth certificates and Social Security cards
Rent receipts, bank statements, utility bills, credit card records, tax information, real estate information and children’s report cards

These documents might be necessary when going to court over custody arrangements or visitation. Survivors might also need them if there are future incidents of abuse or motions to modify custody or child support arrangements.

Types of court-ordered custody

Legal custody is the right and obligation to make decisions about a child’s upbringing, such as those regarding children’s schooling, religion and medical care.

Sole legal custody is an arrangement in which only one parent has decision-making rights, responsibilities and authority relating to the children.
Joint legal custody means that the parents share the decision-making rights, responsibilities and authority relating to the children. This means parents must confer with each other in making decisions about their children.

Physical custody describes when a parent has the right to have their children with them.

Sole physical custody means children reside with one parent, and the noncustodial parent might have specific visitation rights described in a court-ordered parenting plan.
Joint physical custody means that each parent has significant — but not necessarily equal — periods of time during which the children reside with them. One parent’s address is designated as the address of the children for mailing and educational purposes.

Courts prefer joint custody and always start from the position that joint physical and joint legal custody is preferable. Absent extreme circumstances, courts prefer to have both parents involved in decisions regarding the children. Proving domestic violence is present is one such extreme circumstance that can lead the court to grant sole custody. Individuals who have experienced abuse should consult an attorney about this.

Evidence of domestic violence

If presented with evidence of domestic violence, courts must consider that evidence when making decisions involving custody or visitation. Missouri’s custody statute is not particularly sensitive to domestic violence survivors in several respects. The statute includes language articulating that it is state policy to encourage both parents to participate in decisions affecting the health, education and welfare of the children, and to resolve disputes involving their children amicably through alternative dispute resolution. Participating in joint decision-making or going to alternate dispute resolution such as mediation with an abusive parent might be traumatic or dangerous for survivors.

The custody statute also requires courts to determine custody arrangements to ensure both parents participate in such decisions. It requires that both parents have “frequent, continuing and meaningful contact” with their children so long as it is in the best interests of the children. To the court, survivors might appear to be noncooperative parents when in actuality they are being protective of their children. That is why it is so important in custody cases for attorneys to present strong evidence of domestic violence if survivors do not want abusers to have joint physical and legal custody.

If a court finds that domestic violence has occurred, it must make specific findings of fact to show that a court-ordered custody arrangement best protects the children and the victim of domestic violence from any further harm. The court can award custody to the parent who perpetrated domestic violence if it finds that is in the best interest of the children. If the court finds that a pattern of domestic violence has occurred and still awards custody to the abusive parent, it must issue findings of fact and conclusions of law explaining the award. If the judge does not make these findings, it would be an appealable issue.

Parenting plans

During the custody case, survivors may have to develop a parenting plan. This document states the parents’ wishes regarding a specific written schedule detailing custody, parenting time and residential time for each child with each parent, as well as times and places of transfer of the children. A parenting plan also includes suggested restrictions and limitations on access to other persons and reasons why, a specific written plan for legal custody, and the allocation of responsibility for paying the children’s expenses. The safety of the survivor and children are important, so courts and advocates should provide resources to help with this process.

Be specific when drafting a parenting plan with safety in mind. Survivors know whether their former partners will cooperate or are just appearing cooperative during the divorce process. Get in writing any agreements made during divorce negations. When making these decisions, survivors are advised to think of future dealings with the other parent and the long-term well-being of their children. Survivors are encouraged to think of ways to limit contact with the other parent in the parenting plan, such as by requesting contact only through email or text, or by arranging custody exchanges in public places or at a police department.

If the parents are able to agree on issues contained in the parenting plan, they can submit a joint parenting plan. If the parents do not agree, then each parent submits their parenting plan to the court. The court then makes a determination about which parent’s plan is in the best interest of the children after listening to all of the evidence at trial and order that both parties follow that plan. The court can also reject both parties’ plans and order a parenting plan drafted by the court.

Co-parenting after divorce

If a survivor has continued contact with the other parent as a result of a custody or visitation arrangement, they can consider the following ways to ensure the safety and well-being of themselves and their children:

Recognize continued abuse and control attempts. If abuse continues, document it. Continue to document interactions with the former spouse as described above in the Safety issues section.
Set boundaries. Change the locks if the former partner has a key, and decide who is and is not allowed to enter the house. Set and maintain expectations for the abuser to follow during visits with children. Refer to the parenting plan, if necessary, to focus on appropriate topics to discuss and methods of communication to use with your former partner.
Coordinate the consequences of an abuser's violation of the parenting plan with your attorney, such as suspending contact or filing a restraining order.
Prioritize safety. Exchange children in a neutral public place or at a police department. Inform teachers and other care providers exactly who does and does not have access to your children.
Foster positive adjustment for yourself and children. Build a strong support system for yourself by getting involved with others in the community and encourage your children to do the same.

Conclusion

To seek help, individuals experiencing abuse can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org. For the Deaf Crisis Line videophone, call 321-800-3323 or text HAND to 839863. All calls are free and confidential. To get more information or to find a local domestic violence program, call the Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence (MOCADSV) at 573-634-4161. The coalition is not a direct service provider, but individuals can visit "How to Get Help" on the MOCADSV website for a map of local domestic violence programs across Missouri.

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Original authors: Kim Leon, State Specialist, Human Development and Family Science; David Schramm, Associate Professor & State Specialist, Human Development and Family Science; Jennifer Carter Dochler & Kelly Martinez, Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence

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