Divorce and Adults

Reviewed and updated in 2025 by:
Lucia G. Medina, Doctoral Student, Human Development & Family Science

Shadi Ansari, Doctoral Student, Human Development & Family Science

Dr. Kale Monk, Associate Professor & State Extension Specialist, Human Development & Family Science

Divorce is a common experience in the United States, though its frequency is often misunderstood. For decades, widely cited statistics have claimed that nearly half of all marriages will eventually end in divorce. However, this figure is misleading, as it is often based on simplistic annual comparisons of those who divorce in a year compared to those who marry in the year, which does not accurately reflect the long-term outcomes of individual marriages. In reality, divorce rates in the U.S. have been declining since the 1980s. Among younger women, marriage rates are historically low, and marriage has become more selective, often tied to economic security, which strongly predicts marital stability. A more accurate estimate that accounts for the population actually at risk (currently married women) places the 2023 divorce rate at 14.4 divorces per 1,000 married women in a 12-month period. In Missouri specifically, the 2023 divorce rate was slightly higher at 15.7 per 1,000, placing the state 19th out of 51 in national rankings.

Divorce is among the most stressful life events a person can experience. This is true regardless of whether you sought the divorce (the leaver) or were confronted with it (the left). The leaver may feel heightened remorse and guilt (even if the decision comes as a relief), whereas the left might be unprepared for the marriage to end. The more sudden and unexpected the announcement, the more stressful the initial emotional reaction.

Divorce is a difficult step typically made with ambivalence, uncertainty and confusion. The family identity changes, as do the identities of the individuals involved. For example, if your family was a close-knit group, that identity is going to change. Your personal identity changes, in that you are no longer a spouse to someone. If these identities or roles were important to you, you might grieve the loss. Similarly, people going through a divorce may experience changes in their social network. They might lose some family members (e.g., in-laws), as well as friends who were originally friends of the former partner or who were friends of the couple and they experience discomfort navigating continued interactions with both parties. After divorce, individuals often go through a process of rebuilding their identity, adjusting to new roles, reflecting on their social network, and reevaluating their life goals and personal values.

Although divorce doesn’t affect families’ finances as severely as it once did, it still often leads to a noticeable short-term drop in economic resources for mothers and children. Many women increase their work and earnings before and after divorce, which helps improve household income during that time but it may also reduce the time they can spend with their children. Divorce can have lasting effects on a person’s financial situation. Although many women increase their work and earnings in the years following a divorce, they often end up with less wealth over time than those who remain married. This is especially true for older women. For instance, among people who divorced after age 50 and did not remarry, 27% of women live in poverty, compared to just 12% of men.

There is strong evidence that divorce often leads to a short-term decline in mental health, such as increased stress, anxiety, and depression, especially for parents. Fortunately, many people gradually recover over time. The effects of divorce on physical health are less clear. Some studies show a brief rise in death rates right after divorce, but this can sometimes reflect accidents or suicide rather than poor physical health. However, connections between divorce and physical health problems or risk of death seem to be more pronounced in men than in women. Context also matters. In the United States, the health effects of divorce have worsened over time, particularly for parents. However, in countries with stronger social support systems and less pressure to stay married, the health impacts of divorce may not be as severe.

With these losses, the end of a marriage can bring a sense of grief, not only from the loss of the relationship, but also from the disruption of meaningful roles and daily life routines. This emotional response is similar to bereavement, as individuals often grieve the loss of shared identity, future plans, and connection. You might experience feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, though there is likely no order or pattern to your feelings of grief.

For example, you might begin the divorce process with a feeling of acceptance but later find yourself sinking into depression or becoming filled with rage. Mourning and a sense of loss are common, even if you are pursuing the divorce. Even if you no longer love your partner, you might still mourn the loss of the dream of living happily ever after. If you have children, you might grieve because you spend less time with them, or you might feel guilty about the changes in their lives caused by the divorce. These emotional responses are a natural part of the grieving process. However, if your grief feels overwhelming or persist for an extended period, it may be a sign that additional support, such as counseling, could be helpful and appropriate.

Couples facing divorce soon realize that divorce is not an event with a clear beginning and end; it is a process. It begins long before any legal action and might last for years afterward, especially if children are involved.

The stages of a divorce

According to the anthropologist Paul Bohannan, the divorce process consists of several overlapping stages or experiences that are not linear (i.e., you may revisit stages, skip stages, etc.):

• Legal divorce — The dissolution or ending of the marriage by the courts
• Emotional divorce — The chain of events and feelings that lead up to and continue through the divorce process, the emotional separation or disengagement from your partner
• Economic divorce — The division of money and property, requiring individuals who once functioned as a couple to learn to function independently
• Co-parental divorce — The negotiation of parenting following separation
• Community divorce — The changes in relationships with friends and community during divorce
• Psychic divorce — The process of separating oneself from the spouse and developing autonomy

The legal divorce

The legal dissolution of a marriage is a process that formally ends the legal relationship between spouses. It can have substantial effects on both your financial and personal life. Common matters addressed during a legal divorce include the reasons for ending the marriage, how marital property and assets will be divided, whether one spouse will provide financial support to the other, and arrangements for the care and support of any children involved. There may also be important tax considerations to keep in mind.

The legal divorce typically involves developing a parenting plan, which dictates who the children live with and the division of property. The parenting plan includes such things as shared parenting, sometimes called joint custody, which means that parents jointly make decisions regarding their children.

This is sometimes confused with joint physical custody which means children divide their time more or less equally between the two parents. Sole custody means children live with only one parent most of the time, and that parent makes most of the parenting decisions.

Unfortunately, rather than bringing closure, the adversarial process related to legal divorce might cause or increase anger, hurt and bitterness. You might grapple with feeling helpless and out of control as attorneys and courts take over some of your decisions. If you wish to have more control over the decisions, make this clear to your lawyer. You also might want to consider using mediation rather than the traditional adversarial approach to dividing your property and developing a parenting plan.

Mediation is designed to help divorcing couples make decisions together with a trained mediator who might also be a lawyer. A mediator can play an important role in helping parents during and after divorce. Mediation encourages parents to work together during the immediate crisis and in the long term as co-parents. It also gives both parents a chance to address any emotional tensions that might be getting in the way. The goal is to help parents build a respectful, businesslike relationship focused on their children. Mediation can also prevent arguments from becoming more intense at a time when family relationships are already under stress. As part of the process, the mediator helps create a parenting plan to be presented to your individual lawyers and the judge for approval.

The emotional divorce

Emotional divorce is the process in which one or both partners start to feel emotionally distant from the marriage, even if they are still legally married or living together. This stage can feel like closing an emotional chapter, where the marriage no longer holds the same personal importance. You might feel that you and your spouse have grown apart, and you might have become disappointed and angry at each other. One or both of you have become aware that the marriage is no longer meeting your needs.

For some people, emotional divorce from their partner happens long before the legal divorce. Others might continue to struggle with emotional challenges related to the divorce for many years. Often, individuals live with serious problems in the marriage for a long time before anything changes on the outside. In some cases, one partner may sense early on, even from the start, that the relationship is unlikely to last, yet the official divorce may not happen until a decade or more later.

The process of separating usually triggers a wide range of emotions, especially in the early stages, before a clear decision is made. People who decide to leave the relationship often fear how others will react, how they will manage financially, how parenting will change, and whether they will feel lonely. Those who did not choose the separation may worry more about social judgment, rebuilding their love life, and the emotional toll of being left.

At some point, many people do feel a sense of relief, but when that happens can vary widely. For those who either initiated the separation or came to terms with it over time, relief might come soon after the physical split. Others may not feel that relief until many years later.

Sadness is almost always part of the early stages of a divorce, no matter who made the decision. Anger is also common, especially for those who didn’t want the relationship to end or who experienced betrayal like infidelity. For those who chose to leave, anger may have built up during the marriage and continued into the period after separation.

Some people, especially those who did not initiate the breakup, hold on to hope that the relationship might be repaired. Still, over time, many individuals report that they experience personal growth and a stronger sense of identity after the divorce.

Preparing and planning

When facing divorce, you and your ex-spouse need to discuss plans for the future, including how to tell the children, how to work together as parents, how responsibilities are divided and how to inform your family and friends. Bitterness and conflict might arise or worsen as you begin to make plans.

Separating

Like many others experiencing divorce, you might feel a deep loss as you let go of your attachment to your ex-spouse. This loss can trigger a complex process of emotional adjustment, where you gradually reorganize your sense of security and connection outside the marriage. Some people move through this process relatively smoothly, finding new ways to form secure attachments, while others may struggle longer with feelings of grief, uncertainty, or fear of future relationships.

Separation might also lead to more practical changes. Typically, during divorce, one or both spouses move. You might feel you do not have the time or ability to get everything done because tasks that once might have been shared by two people are now handled alone. This can be overwhelming. If you have children, you also have to establish guidelines for sharing time with them and learn ways to share parenting while living apart.

The economic divorce

Two households are more expensive to maintain than one, so you might experience a decrease in financial resources after divorce. Because the heaviest financial burden typically falls upon the parent who has physical custody of the child and is often the mother, women are more likely to suffer financial hardships, with a decline in income of 25%-30%. Therefore, mothers are often forced to take on more hours at work or entering the labor market. This might necessitate a change in child-care arrangements and greater reliance on children to contribute to household duties. Similarly, returning to the parental home may serve as a coping strategy for some divorced women, especially when the characteristics of the parental home are supportive.

Divorce might require each former partner to learn new financial skills. If your spouse had handled tasks such as organizing and paying taxes, monthly bills and insurance, you now have to learn to complete them independently.

Keep in mind several important things as you deal with the economic changes caused by divorce:

• Involve your children in financial conversations in age-appropriate ways, but avoid placing adult financial stress on them. Children benefit from learning about budgeting and planning, but they also need reassurance and emotional security during times of change. For example:
  • With a 5-year-old, you might say: 'We’re going to wait until next month to buy that toy because we’re saving money for important things right now, like food and our home.'
  • With an 8-year-old, you could involve them in making a simple grocery list and talk about comparing prices.
  • With a teenager, you might discuss the basics of budgeting, saving, and the importance of making thoughtful choices about spending.
• Get expert help to protect your finances. Working with professionals like experienced divorce attorneys or Certified Divorce Financial Analysts can help you understand how money, property, alimony, and child support should be divided. With the right guidance, you can make smart decisions that support your long-term financial stability.
• Figure out your financial needs and available resources. Make a list detailing income and expenses. Budgets can be powerful tools for easing financial stress. It’s also a good idea to gather important documents, like bank statements, tax returns, and investment records, so you’re prepared to make informed choices.
• Monitor your expenses. This is especially necessary in the initial months after divorce.
• Look into retirement plans and insurance policies. Try to ensure the security of yourself and your children.
• After divorce, having savings set aside for unexpected expenses is essential. Aim to save enough to cover three to six months of living costs. Keeping this money in a high-interest savings account can help it grow and stay ahead of inflation.
• Plan for your children’s future. Both parents generally are responsible for a child’s education. Set aside money for this now and begin an educational savings fund even for young children, if possible.
• Make plans for improving your financial situation. You might need to seek additional education or training to increase your income.

The co-parental divorce

Most parents are concerned about how divorce affects their children. However, some evidence indicates children do better in supportive, single-parent households than in two-parent households with high levels of conflict. If the divorce does not stop the children’s exposure to conflict between their parents, they will likely not do better.

To reduce harmful interparental conflict after divorce, it is essential to shift focus from the past relationship to your ongoing role as a parent. This means learning to separate your responsibilities as a co-parent from any unresolved issues as a former partner. There are practical strategies that can help you parent effectively while supporting your child’s well-being in a co-parenting arrangement:

• Avoid criticizing your ex-spouse in front of the children.
• Do not use your children to send messages to your ex-spouse.
• Speak directly to your ex-spouse about issues related to the children. Some parents find that regularly scheduling a brief meeting works to maintain lines of communication about the children.
• Avoid asking your children for information about your ex-spouse.
• Resist the desire to make your child a confidante. Although it is important that you receive the emotional support you need, this can be unhealthy for the child. Seek out adult friends, family members, support groups or counselors to fill this role.
• Intense negative emotions such as anger, contempt, and guilt can make co-parenting more challenging. Recognizing and addressing these feelings can help you focus on your child's well-being and reduce conflict with your ex-partner. Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist to develop healthy coping strategies and improve communication.

Separation and divorce result in distinct changes in the parent-child relationship. These changes are different for parents who have physical custody of the children and those who do not.

Single parents with physical custody

Single parenting requires that one parent take on a larger percentage of the childrearing tasks. It is not unusual for that parent to experience greater stress as they take on more responsibilities. These experiences and feelings are typical in residential parents:

• Finding that your children provide structure for your life but do not keep you from feeling lonely.
• Becoming closer to your children.
• Feeling that you are solely responsible for the children and what happens to them.
• Expecting children to take on more tasks in the household.
• Feeling overwhelmed by decisions and tasks of being a single parent.
• Feeling cut off from social life and activities outside of caring for your children.

Nonresidential parents

Nonresidential parents often have a different experience. They might be frustrated about the loss of time with their children and might feel they need some control over their relationship with them. As with residential parents, some feelings and experiences are typical for nonresidential parents:

• Feeling lonely as you adjust to having less time with the children.
• Feeling out of touch with the events in your children’s lives.
• Experiencing distress after visiting the children.
• Fearing you are losing your place in your children’s lives.
• Feeling frustrated that your ex-spouse has control over the time you have with your children.

The community divorce

Initial support from family and friends often tapers off as the divorce process continues. You might feel that fewer people are available for assistance and support at a time when you most need it.

You might no longer feel comfortable around your married friends. The group of friends you developed as a married couple might feel torn about the divorce. Because they might not be comfortable taking sides, they might not be an active support group for you.

Divorce might also alter a person’s feelings about relationships. Fear of relationships and feelings of vulnerability are common among divorcing people and might lead you to avoid social involvement. Dating might be particularly difficult if you have not dated in years.

If you are dealing with feelings like these, there are things you can do to help rebuild your support network.

• Make a list of hobbies, values or roles that defined you and engage with at least one of these activities each week.
• Seek out two or three social groups that matter to you: faith communities, neighborhood organizations, hobby clubs, or volunteer teams. Consistent involvement in more than one group broadens your support network and restores a sense of belonging over time.
• Consider joining support groups such as Parents Without Partners. Groups like these can help keep you involved, and you meet people who can relate to your situation.
• Consider getting professional counseling or joining a therapy group to combat post-divorce loneliness. Evidence shows that structured psychological interventions can significantly reduce feelings of isolation.

The psychic divorce

The psychic divorce is the true separation from your ex-spouse. This is the process of learning to live without a partner to support you or to be supported by you. It might take time for you to rebuild your independence and trust in your own ability to handle life’s challenges.

A key part of completing your psychic divorce is reflecting honestly on why you married in the first place and why your marriage ended. Paul Bohannan cautions that marriage should never be a last-ditch effort to solve personal problems or escape loneliness; too often, people say “yes” for unhealthy reasons and then wind up repeating those same mistakes. Recognizing what drew you into the relationship, and what led to its breakdown, can help you avoid hasty decisions. Many people rush into a new marriage without resolving old issues, only to face similar disappointments the second time around. Taking the time to understand your patterns and truly heal can protect you from repeating the past.

Finally, it is more productive to focus on personal growth than on assigning blame. Divorces happen because the marriage couldn’t work or because one or both partners refused to stay in a deteriorating relationship, pointing fingers does little to help you move on. Instead, use this time to identify the lessons you need to carry into future relationships. By accepting responsibility for your own choices and letting go of resentment, you give yourself the freedom to build a healthier, more secure life. Answer these questions to see how well you are adapting:

• Have you accepted that the marriage is over?
• Have you made peace with your ex-spouse?
• Are you realistic about how you contributed to the divorce?
• Have you established a support network outside the marriage?
• What do you need to feel confident in managing daily life and decisions on your own?
• Have you started practices that build your strengths, boost positive emotions, and connect you with your values?
• Have you developed future-oriented as opposed to past-oriented goals? In other words, are you now planning your life as a single person?

The impact of divorce on a person's well-being can vary depending on several factors. Getting legally divorced doesn’t necessarily end the stress of being in an unhappy marriage, even for the person who chose to end it. In fact, the period during and right after a divorce often brings new challenges that can affect people’s emotions, behavior, and health. For adults, these challenges may include things like being solely responsible for raising children (especially for custodial parents), losing regular contact with children (for noncustodial parents), ongoing conflict with an ex-partner over child support or custody, and losing emotional support from in-laws, married friends, or neighbors. Many also experience financial hardship, particularly mothers, and may have to move to a less expensive home in a lower-income neighborhood.

Studies show that men and women who were in very unhappy marriages often feel happier after divorcing. In contrast, those whose marriages weren’t severely troubled tend to feel less happy after the divorce. This suggests that people leaving highly stressful relationships may feel relief, while those in less troubled marriages might not fully expect the emotional and practical challenges that come with divorce.

Who starts the divorce also seems to matter. People who initiate the divorce often adjust better afterward. Research also shows that mothers may face a tougher emotional time after divorce than women without children. In addition, going through a second (or later) divorce is linked to higher levels of depression than going through a first divorce.

Resources also play a key role. People with higher levels of education, stable employment, and strong social networks, including supportive family and friends, tend to cope better after divorce. Having a new romantic partner or remarrying also helps many individuals adjust more easily. These relationships often bring emotional support and financial stability, which can improve quality of life and help rebuild wealth.

However, not all types of support are equally helpful. While having someone to talk to reduces emotional stress, receiving financial help or housing sometimes make people feel worse. This may be because those needing material help are already under more pressure, or because receiving aid can bring feelings of shame or guilt. Similarly, support that comes with advice or expectations can feel more stressful than helpful.

Another important factor is how people think about the divorce. For example, people who believe strongly that marriage should last for life often struggle more emotionally after divorce. They may feel a deep sense of personal failure or conflict with their values. In contrast, those who were less tied to their identity as a spouse or who had already come to terms with the idea of ending the marriage tend to adjust more smoothly.

Most people successfully adapt to divorce. You will experience a great sense of achievement when you master the six stages of divorce presented in this guide.

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This guide was originally written by Marilyn Coleman and Marni Morgan. It was revised in 2016 by Sherry Nelson, Regional Specialist, Human Development and Family Science.