FROM UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI EXTENSION
SOUTHWEST REGIONAL NEWS SERVICE
Contact: Renette Wardlow, human development specialist
Headquartered in Christian County
Tel: (417) 581-3558
E-mail: wardlowr@missouri.edu

Childhood Friendships Have Great Value and Influence

While parents are the primary influence in most children’s lives, childhood friendships also play an important role.

“Children’s relationships with others provide opportunities for learning that are different from those provided by parents and teachers,” said Renette Wardlow, human development specialist, University of Missouri Extension.

Wardlow says adult-child relationships are normally warm and friendly, but tend to focus on protecting and caring for children.

“Children think of adults as figures who are all-powerful and all-knowing. As a result, they are likely to shape themselves to gain adult approval,” said Wardlow.

With peers, however, children can make equal contributions, participate in setting standards of behavior and discover ways they are alike and different from each other.

“Peer friendships teach children social skills, realistic awareness of one’s self, and the value of belonging and interdependence,” said Wardlow.

Through the experience of give and take, mutual trust can develop. This trust allows children to see themselves more realistically because their weaknesses are accepted and aided by friends. At the same time they learn to use their strengths to accept and aid their friends in need.

“Adults can help children develop through friendships by understanding what those relationships mean to the child and by showing interest and encouragement,” said Wardlow.

DIFFERENT STYLES

It is important to recognize and respect each child’s differing social needs and style.

Children who have many friends, children who have one “best friend” and children who create imaginary playmates can all benefit from those different types of relationships during various stages of their development.

But when something goes wrong in a child’s relationship, parents and teachers can step in to ease the situation.

“Children may need adults to stop physical violence, to hear and acknowledge their feelings, and to guide them toward communication techniques that are more likely to succeed in maintaining the relationship,” said Wardlow.

Adults should, however, avoid unnecessary interference in children’s friendships, and let the children work things out for themselves as much as possible.

Children’s solutions may not seem fair to adults, but the problem-solving process they go through to arrive at their solutions is an important part of their development.

“The process of figuring out an arrangement that is satisfying to them is more important than meeting adult standards of fairness,” said Wardlow.

If a friendship proves damaging to a child, parents may need to step in and end that relationship.

As Wardlow points out, parents do have the ultimate responsibility for protecting children from harm and guiding them toward what they feel is good.

Such intervention is likely to be the least damaging to the parent-child relationship if the parent acknowledges the basis of the action.

“Explain why the friendship is unsuitable and why it has to end, even though this causes the child to feel hurt and anger,” said Wardlow.

Another painful situation can arise when a child loses a friend through moving or changing schools. Loneliness, depression, irritation, and anger may result.

“At those times, parents should pay extra attention to a child’s feelings, and provide the understanding they need, while also encouraging new friendships,” said Wardlow.

If the child’s friend ends the relationship, a feeling of rejection is liable to occur in addition to hurt, anger, loneliness, and possible feelings of guilt.

“Rejection is almost always painful to both parties. The normal process of growth often leads to the need for new friends,” said Wardlow.

Helping children understand how their changing interests or styles contribute to separation from old friends can help ease the distress and enable them to become more sensitive and aware in future relationships.

University of Missouri Extension is your one-stop source for practical education on almost anything. Extension programs focus on the high-priority needs of people throughout the state. Each county extension center, with oversight by locally elected and appointed citizens, is your local link to these unbiased resources and programs.
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