Search news

Keeping your cool under fire

Media contact:

Milly Carter
Administrative Associate, West Central Region
University of Missouri Extension
Phone: 816-252-7717
E-Mail: carterm@missouri.edu

Published: Thursday, October 8, 2009

Story source:

Georgia Stuart-Simmons, 660-747-3193

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. – Some people avoid getting involved in community issues because such issues may spark controversy and conflict. “We don’t want to get upset and loose our cool in public, but there are ways to get through conflict without getting angry,” said a University of Missouri Extension community development specialist.

While no technique works every time, some anger-management techniques work well in times of conflict, said Georgia Stuart-Simmons.

Voices often rise in tense discussions, she noted. “The tendency to speak louder in response is often a natural reaction—even if one person is not blaming the other. Softening your voice can quickly defuse a tense conversation.”

Your tone of voice is particularly important when discussing an issue over the phone, when people can’t read body language and other important nonverbal cues.

“How you respond to another’s statements can also ignite or defuse conflict,” she said. “Our reaction may imply that we think the other person is lying simply by the tone of voice that we are using. Expressions such as ‘I understand your concern’ or ‘May I share my view?’ are known ways to relieve tension and let the speaker know they are perceived as honest and worthy of being listened to.”

When you feel threatened or provoked, don’t interrupt, she said. “Let them finish and then ask a couple of questions, such as ‘Is there anything else that you feel is important?’ or ‘Have you thought of anything else that you would like to add?’”

When the speaker is finished, you might ask questions such as “What would make the situation better?” or “What solution would you recommend?”

“The speaker is then the person who has to verbalize his or her own concerns,” Stuart-Simmons said.

“No one can guarantee that you will never be put into a situation where conflict arises,” she added, “but many tense situations can be made calmer by simply making sure the parties feel that they are being heard and respected.”

###