THE REALITIES OF STEPFAMILIES

 Nina Chen, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist
University of Missouri Outreach and Extension

 Living in a stepfamily is different from the original family because a stepfamily is formed when a parent remarries. In other words, a stepfamily is formed due to a divorce, separation, or death.  That also means that a stepfamily is formed by different individuals from different families. It is very important for stepfamilies to understand the realities of stepfamilies and how to build on their unique strengths. The following are some realities:

 A stepfamily is born of loss. Since a divorce, death, or separation comes before the stepfamily, family members may feel the loss of relationships and routines. The feelings of loss must be taken into consideration.  The sense of loss may create tensions in a stepfamily.  It is critical for step-families to learn to help each other grieve and become a cohesive unit.

 Children are not a choice in a stepfamily. When a parent remarries, she or he has at least one child.  Therefore, children are important parts of the family when the stepfamily is formed.

 Children usually are members of two households. When a stepfamily is formed, children are often members of two or more households. They have to learn to deal with different approaches to household management, schedules, family rules and traditions, and discipline.

 Family members come with different emotional baggage.   Each family member carries different beliefs and ideas from their earlier family lives and may feel the loss emotionally and physically. Family members come with complex values, traditions, and styles for getting along with others.

 There is an absent biological parent. The absent parent usually has some influence on the stepfamily, whether the parent has died or is living far away. The relationship between the child and the absent parent will have an impact on the stepfamily.  Stepparents and biological parents need to work with the absent biological parent to provide a better growing environment for the child.

 There is no instant love.  It is unrealistic to expect immediate love among new family members. It always takes time to build a good relationship between any two people. Be realistic, be patient and allow time to build positive relationships in a stepfamily. Research shows it takes between  four and eight years to build unity and strength.

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