SCHEDULE HOLIDAY TIME IN DIVORCED FAMILIES

Nina Chen, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist 

Who gets the children this Thanksgiving or Christmas can be a stressful subject for divorced families to deal with when holidays approach. Parents want to spend time with their children, in particular during holidays.  However, it is not always a reality for most divorced families. 

Planning a holiday schedule ahead of time is a key.  Try to discuss with your ex-spouse a holiday plan.  It usually works better if you can have a clear plan for rotating holidays. Children need to know their schedule for holidays and what to expect.  If both parents argue about “who gets the kids” all the time, the child may feel upset and won’t view holidays as a happy and enjoyable time.  Hence, try to be flexible and negotiable.   

If you have to work out disagreements with your ex-spouse, be sure not to involve your children or allow them to be caught in the middle.  Avoid setting or discussing a holiday schedule at the last minute, as it is easy to have schedule conflicts or feelings of pressure. 

If you all get agreement on a holiday schedule, try to stick to the plan.  It will help children feel more comfortable and secure to follow a routine and consistent schedule.  If you change the plan constantly, children may be confused about their expectations and plans.  They may question if their parents still love them.

Who makes the decision about a holiday schedule?  If your children are older, let them be involved in the decision making process.  Sometimes, their decision can help reduce conflict and make  both parents and themselves feel more comfortable and less upset.  If the plan involves grandparents or other relatives, it is wise to discuss it with them (Source: WFL Vol 7, No.11).