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Human relations

Touching rectal area

I have a 34-month-old son, who has never had encounters with other people without me being around. Initially he played with his penis now wants to put his finger in his rectal area. He even has tried to do it when getting a bath and it appears that he knows something is wrong, because he abruptly stops when he sees me. I definitely do not want to allow this to go on without asking if there is something wrong. I am a single parent and there is no male figure in the household nor has there been in almost three years. Is this is normal? How should I handle it if it continues?

You are a good parent to show concern, but you will be pleased to know that it is perfectly normal for a child to explore their body and to take pleasure from that exploration. You have done a good job teaching your child that his body is private and that those types of activities need to be done in private. It is natural for children of this age to explore their body and see how things work. For more information see GH6002, Sexuality and Your Child: For Children Ages 3 to 7.

Kim Allen
Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting director

Suggestive photos

My 7-year-old son found a DVD with suggestive photos on the case. My husband talked to him and said this is something adults sometimes watch, but it can hurt little kids. Later I found the case in his room. I asked him about it and he said he went looking for it to look at the pictures. This event has totally freaked me out. Is this normal?

Children of this age are usually past the age of exploring their bodies for the first time, but that doesn't mean that he isn't still curious about what is going on. It is normal for kids to be curious and explore their bodies. It was good for you and your husband to explain to your son that this is only for adults and that it can be harmful to him. Since he sought out the hidden case, it seems that he is curious about what he has seen. Depending on the type of pictures, you may have to have a deeper discussion. Have an open dialog with your child regarding what his thoughts are about the pictures he has seen. Maybe he is scared by the pictures, but chances are that he has feelings about them and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

Kim Allen
Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting director

Communicating with children about divorce and separation

I am a parent of a 15-year-old son. I have been separated from my husband for almost two years. We are still unsure about our marriage. How do I handle this with my child? I know the uncertainty bothers him, but he says it doesn't. I need to know how and what to do for him?

Here are a few general tips for communicating with children about divorce and separation that are supported by research:

Honesty is important. Give your child simple, honest answers so he/she will know what's going on.
At the same time, avoid giving your child details that he/she doesn't need to know. Think about what information is appropriate for a child to know and what information is more adult information. This will depend in part on your child's age. For younger children, a short, simple explanation will suffice. Young children can understand that you couldn't get along, so the other parent is living somewhere else. Even though older children can understand more of the complexities of the situation, they don't need to hear the gory details. Infidelity is probably adult information that a child doesn't need to know about.
It is very important to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent. If the other parent has a problem that led to the divorce (addiction, mental illness, etc.), you can be honest with your child that the other parent has some problems he/she needs to work on without going into the details or putting the other parent down. Criticizing the other parent may lead to alienation from both parents. Supporting the child's relationship with the other parent is usually in the child's best interest.
Find another adult (friend, counselor, family member) to talk to about your feelings about what happened instead of sharing these feelings with your children.

For more information, see GH6600, Helping Children Understand Divorce.

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Extension Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Visitation problems

My husband has been divorced for six years. He has legal and physical joint custody of both children from that marriage, but their mother makes decisions without him. She makes doctor appointments and charges him half the bill. She tells the kids that they can not do things while they are with us like riding roller coasters or my parents four-wheeler. She refused to let them go on a family trip to Canada. The oldest child turned 18 and her mother told her she no longer had to follow the agreement and needed to work instead of going on vacation with us. She told the 14-year-old boy he is old enough to make up his mind and he doesn't have to follow the visitation set out by the court. What can we do?

In general, research indicates that it is usually best for children to maintain supportive relationships with both of their parents after the divorce. This means that parents must work together to create a visitation schedule that is in their child's best interest and then stick to it. When problems arise with visitation, the reason for the problem must be determined before it can be solved. There are many possible reasons:

A parent does not enforce the schedule because the child doesn't want to go. It is important to first find out why the child doesn't want to go and address that issue. It may be something the parent needs to talk with the other parent about, but it may be something the child (depending on the child's age) needs to discuss with the other parent. Assuming there is not a concern for the child's safety, the parent is responsible for having the child follow the court-ordered visitation schedule.
The schedule is not working and needs to be changed. This can happen as children get older and their needs change. In this case, the parents need to develop a new schedule that better meets the child's needs. A mediator can help with this process.
A parent is not following the visitation schedule due to conflict with the other parent or as a way to manipulate the other parent. In this case, the parents need help focusing on what is in their child's best interest instead of focusing on their feelings about each other. Counseling, parent education classes, and/or mediation can help. If the parent still refuses to follow the schedule, the other parent can consult his/her attorney about what the options are.
A parent does not enforce the schedule because the parent has legitimate concerns about the child's safety or well-being when the child is visiting the other parent. Parents may be concerned about abuse, neglect, substance abuse, or mental health issues. In this case the parent can try talking with the other parent to find out what is going on and consult his/her attorney about the possibility of supervised visitation.

Here are articles with good tips for parents of teens dealing with visitation issues:

See the following for information on mediation, including how to find a mediator:

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Extension Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Curious about changing bodies

My 9-year-old daughter came home from a sleepover, and told me her friend, her friends 11-year-old sister and the older sister's friend were playing strip poker. I was stunned they even knew how to play strip poker. My daughter said the older sister's friend initiated it. Aren't they a little old to be explorative? How should I handle this?

Children become curious about gender differences, sexuality and changing bodies during childhood and remain curious about throughout adolescence. It is highly likely that these girls were engaged in that curiosity and were using the activity as a way to understand self and others.

Although it is likely that this scenario is harmless, it is a wonderful opportunity for you to use this as a moment to educate and share your feelings about sexual decision making with your daughter. Research shows that parents are the most influential factor in the sexual decision-making process during adolescence, and the earlier or more frequently the communication, the better the decision making. It is wonderful that your daughter is willing to share her experiences with you. Continuing to develop your relationship with her by allowing open and honest discussions about sexual decision making will help her continue to make good decisions as she grows.

There are many good resources available for youth at most libraries on the topic of puberty and changing bodies. Changing Bodies, Changing Lives, by Ruth Bell might help answer some of your daughter's questions. Talking with Teens about Sex on MissouriFamilies.org has additional information

Kim Allen
Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting director

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Updated 6/18/07