Question index
Questions by topic
Publication search
More recent human relations questions and answers
My four-year-old son has been caught four times looking at other children's private parts. I am trying to teach him our bodies belong to us and certain parts are private. I feel as if I cannot leave him alone with any kids his age. The last time it happened I gave him a spanking. I feel as though I should not have done this because I don't want to make this a bad thing. I let him know I was sorry for losing my temper. Is this behavior normal and what should I do when it happens?
Exploring body parts is completely natural for a four-year-old, and you
are right to set healthy boundaries at a young age. Because he is
becoming familiar with his body and noticing differences, it is natural
for him to be curious about others' bodies as well. Rather than shaming
or disciplining your child about his curiosity, use this as a perfect
teaching moment. You could say something like "you seem to be curious
about other bodies, let's talk about the questions you have" and follow
up with a book from the library about bodies. You could also explain
that it is OK for him to explore his body in private, but that it is not
OK for him to look at or touch other people's penis or vagina or for
others to touch his private areas.
Teaching that exploration is normal will allow your child to continue to develop a healthy attitude about self and sexuality, and having open and honest talks at a young age will help him feel comfortable to come to you as more questions arise.
For more information, please read GH6002, Sexuality and Your Child: For Children Ages 3 to 7.
Kim Allen
Director
Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting
My spouse and I separated just after our child was born. My husband did not want the child. Our child is now two. My ex-husband has visitation rights, but goes for long periods of time without seeing him. How does this affect our son?
I can't tell you how this situation will affect your child because that will depend on many factors, including the quality of relationships with each parent, level of conflict between the parents and the child's temperament. However, I can give you some information about recommended visitation schedules for toddlers.
In her book, Mom's House, Dad's House, Isolina Ricci recommends that infants, toddlers, and preschoolers have one primary home, but frequent time with with each parent. She also recommends that children not be separated from either parent for long periods of time
Similarly, in The Truth about Children and Divorce, Robert Emery suggests that frequent contact with both parents is important for maintaining the child's attachment to both parents. Long separations can disrupt attachment relationships, which can have a negative effect on child development.
I would recommend looking at either of these books for more information. The book by Emery also provides sample visitation schedules for children of different ages, which may be helpful.
Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
I have a 23-year-old son, with Down syndrome and autism. I am not his legal guardian. He is forced to visit my ex-husband who has a history of being violent towards my two other sons, his grandparents, uncle, other wives, girlfriends, but not necessarily this son.
His father does not feed my son properly and leaves him at home with two younger brothers while he goes shopping. My son does not get enough rest in his father's home. My ex-husband insists on his rights to visit. My son gets so upset he breaks down and cries at work and says "No Dad. No Dad."
I tried to get guardianship but my ex-husband fought it and the judge refused to hear the case saying I have to approach the judge in the county where our divorce occurred.
My ex-husband does not follow the court ordered parenting plan. He picked up my son at work two nights ago without my knowledge. My son, his boss as well as myself were upset.
What can I do to protect him and let him choose to go or not with his father?
Since I am not an attorney and can't give legal advice, I can only suggest the following:
If you need help finding an attorney
Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
My husband and I have been married for two years. We have a blended family of five children although none of our children reside with us. My 25-year-old special-needs stepdaughter and 14-year stepdaughter show little respect or good behavior toward their father. They don't even say please and thank you.
My husband and their mother were married for 27 years and she was quite controlling and disrespectful to my husband during their marriage. My husband has not set boundaries for his daughters and this is causing a great deal of agony and pain. What if anything other than patience and prayer do you recommend?
Research
and clinical experience with stepfamilies indicates that it is usually best
if the parent, not the stepparent, is the one to set limits with the kids,
especially in the first few years of stepfamily development. The parent and
stepparent can discuss what the "house rules" and consequences for breaking
them should be, but it is usually best for the parent to take the primary
role in enforcing those rules unless the parent is not home and the stepparent
is in charge.
Children are often resistant to having a stepparent try to set or enforce limits. When the parent and stepparent have difficulty discussing or agreeing on limits and consequences, it may help to seek support from a counselor or support group.
Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
More human relations questions and answers
Updated 5/21/08