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Human relations

Toddler adjust to divorce, sleep pattern change

I care for a 16-month-old boy. His parents are divorcing. He lives with his father and seldom sees his mother. The child's sleep patterns have changed drastically. He will not sleep through the night and he will not take lengthy naps. He has started to just walk, sit, cry and scream for something to do. He still has a good appetite. Could you suggest something I should do?

The behavior that you have described is not unusual for a 16-month-old child who's parents have divorced. Divorce brings about a great deal of change in a child's daily life. Because this little boy is unable to talk about how he feels, his feelings are expressed in his changed sleep patterns and increased crying and whining. It is very important that you provide this little boy with love and security. Keep his routines the same, communicate with his father about what you are experiencing so that he can also provide love and security, and be patient with this little boy as he goes through all of these changes. With extra affection and the passing of time, he will be back to his "regular" self.

To learn more about what infants and toddlers experience when their parents divorce and what you can do to help with the adjustment, read GH6607, Helping Infants and Toddlers Adjust to Divorce.

Sara Gable
Human Development and Family Studies Extension

Toddler twins not talking

My 29-month-old twin sons talk very little. Is this something I should be worried about?

Research tells us that it is not unusual for twins to have delayed language development.

However, if you are really concerned that your sons have problems with saying words, communicating their needs, or understanding what you say, I'd recommend that you talk with a language specialist. Language specialists work in hospitals and schools.

Below I've included some information about typical child language development and ways that you can encourage your toddlers, 12- to 36- months to talk.

Toddlers communicate with a combination of gestures and grunts, one word sentences, two word sentences, positive and negative emotional expressions and body movements.
Encourage toddler communication
Respond quickly and predictably to toddlers' communicative efforts (e.g., "You are pointing at the fridge, is it time for some juice?" "Bah-bah, that means you want your blanket, doesn't it?")
Expand on toddlers' one and two word communications and build sentences around their words (e.g., "Hot, that's right, the pizza is hot." "Blue, your pants are blue with white stripes, aren't they?" "Do again? Okay, I'll push you some more on the swing.")
Keep a word diary where you record toddlers' new words. The diary can be shared with other adults and the words can be used in conversation.
Give toddlers one direction at a time and provide warnings before transitions (e.g., "We're going to leave for grandma's house in five minutes." Five minutes pass. "Okay, time to get ready, go get your coat from the bedroom." "Oh good, you got your coat, I'll help you put it on.")
Label toddlers' emotions (e.g., "When you fall and get hurt, you feel sad." "Playing with your cousin Mary makes you happy!")
Make the most of daily routines and talk toddlers through routines in the sequence in which they happen (e.g., "First we put warm water in the bathtub... then you take off your clothes and get in! Time to get the washrag soapy and clean you up... first I'll wash your little toes...")
During play with toddlers, follow their lead and let them create the play. Describe for toddlers what they are doing during play and let them have control (e.g., "Oh, you are driving the car up the sofa, now it is falling to the floor! Here comes the truck to take the car to the garage.")
When telling older toddlers what you want, provide an explanation and tell the toddler WHY you want something to happen (e.g., "Janey, I told you to please pick up your blocks and put them away. I don't want anyone tripping and falling over them.")
If you would like more information, read GH6123, Communicating Effectively with Children.

Sara Gable
Human Development and Family Studies Extension

Inappropriate touching by daughter

My friend is a single dad. His 7-year-old daughter has fondled two of his girlfriends. He spoke to her about this, and she said that she likes smaller women with smaller breast. Of course he told her that this behavior was inappropriate. Do you have any suggestions for him?

After discussing your question with a colleague, we both agree this topic might be best handled by a mental health counselor. Although it could be just harmless sexual curiosity or a reaction to the father dating, it also could be a symptom of a more a more serious issue. I would recommend speaking to a counselor for an evaluation of the situation or meet with the child's school counselor.

A counseling resource I usually recommend is the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, which has more information about family counseling, as well as a search feature to locate a local counselor.

Also, Extension has publications that could also offer insight:

Kim Allen
Director
Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting

Mom fears losing son

I've been a single mom for seven years. I have a meager home, but I always do the best I can. Now my younger brother, 29, is about to inherit a large sum of money. He has filled my son's head with dreams of wealth. He thinks he can take my son from me. He is willing to drag this through court. He has no grounds. I want my son, an "A" student, to stay with me until he graduates high school. What can I do to put this nightmare behind me?

In general, a relative who wants custody, guardianship or visitation must go to court to obtain that and demonstrate that the parent is unfit, unwilling or unable to care for the child.

You'd need to consult an attorney.

There are some things you can do to maintain a good relationship with your son, such as:

Promoting positive communication
Be available to listen to your child's concerns and be nonjudgmental. That means listening without criticizing or reacting to what your child is telling you, even if you don't like it or agree with it.
Monitor your child's activities and stay involved in his/her life
Know where your child is, who he/she is with, and what he/she is doing. Make sure homework and school assignments are being completed and that your child is making good progress in school.
Allow your child appropriate levels of independence and responsibility
Part of adolescent development is learning to become independent and responsible. Adolescents need to be given opportunities to make their own decisions and take responsibility, but they still need adult support to help them make decisions. They shouldn't be overburdened with adult responsibilities, but do need to have more independence than they did at younger ages. It is typical for adolescents to assert their independence and seem to "pull away" from parents, but they still need their parents' support.

If you need help finding an attorney

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Stepparent a legal stranger

Since my husband was deployed with the army, I rarely see my two stepsons. I feel I have played a big part in supporting them financially and emotionally over the last eight years. Additionally, their father and I have had two children of our own. They miss their brothers so much. I am being told that I have no rights, and that according to the courts I am considered a legal stranger to them. How can this be? Is something I can do?

In general, stepparents do not have legal rights to their stepchildren, unless the stepparent legally adopts the stepchild. The Missouri Bar Web site has information on stepparent adoption. The child's other biological parent, the mother in this case, would have to agree to the adoption. In some states, stepparents can request custody or visitation under certain circumstances. You'd need to contact an attorney to find out if that is possible in Missouri.

If you need help finding an attorney

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

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Updated 5/19/08