More recent human relations questions and answers

Human relations

Public record

How can I get information from child services about my children? I never got papers on the court hearings.and I don't know how to find out what happened in this case.

I'm not really sure who you need to contact, but I would suggest calling your local Children's Division office.

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Boyfriend's children

My boyfriend's children are 2- and 9-year old. They are strong willed. When would be the right time to bring me into their life? We have been together for six months and are thinking about the future.

There is no specific time that is right for everyone. Experts usually recommend waiting until the relationship is serious and the two of you expect it to be a lasting commitment. Some tips based on research and therapists' clinical experience with stepfamiliesfor the initial getting-to-know-each-other stage are:

If possible, have the children get to know you and develop a friendship with you before announcing an engagement or moving in together
Take your time in getting to know them and form a friendship with them before acting in more of a parental role
It may be easier for the kids if the couple doesn't show much physical affection around them
It can be easier for the kids if the initial meetings take place outside of the home and involve doing an activity (e.g. going to a sporting event, museum, playground, etc.)
Be aware that it can take a long time for the children to accept the new person

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Age at which a child can decide who to live with

At what age does a child have the right to choose with whom he wants to live? I'm trying to adopt my 11-year-old grandchild. Can he speak to the judge?

I will tell you what I know about this, but I am not a legal expert and cannot give legal advice, so I would also recommend that you contact an attorney with this question.

If you need help finding an attorney

There is no specific age at which a child can decide who to live with. Technically, a minor does not have the right to make this decision. In divorce cases, Missouri law says that the child's preferences are one factor among many to be considered in determining custody. The court may appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the child or they may interview the child in chambers.

Often, the judge decides whether to consider the child's preferences and how to do this. Some judges will consider a child's preference if the child is over the age of 12 or 13. Experts recommend that children not be asked to testify or talk to the judge about where they want to live if at all possible because this puts tremendous pressure on the child and the child's preference is very likely to be influenced by the parent(s).

The following Web sites have more information:

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Adopting stepchildren

How do I obtain more information about adopting stepchildren? What are the guidelines and criteria?

The Adoption Guide on the Missouri Bar Web site provides information about adoption, including adopting stepchildren. Call 573-635-4128 to order a hard copy.

If you need help finding an attorney

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

Grandparents vs foster care

Four of our grandchildren are in foster care. They are 14-, 7-, 2- and 1-year-old. Their mom and dad are homeless and in and out of jail.

We took care of them for five months through the Department of Social Services. We are 70- and 57-years old and have adopted a 10-year-old grandchild. Since the state was not doing what was promised, we asked to have the children placed with a younger family. We most definitely want to stay in their lives, but it has now been seven weeks without a visit. The caseworker keeps promising next week.

They have been moved twice in seven weeks and separated. We feel like asking that DSS to place the children back in our home. What are our rights?

I can give you some information about this issue, but I am not a legal expert or an attorney, so I can't give you legal advice. I recommend contacting an attorney about this matter.

If you need help finding an attorney

Grandparents can obtain legal rights to the child by requesting legal visitation, custody, or guardianship.

Grandparents are only granted visitation, custody, or guardianship in certain situations. See the Grandparent Rights section of the Senior Citizens Handbook on the Missouri Bar Web site for more information.

Your local Area Agency on Aging may also be able to help you.

Kim Leon
Assistant Professor and State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies

More human relations questions and answers

Updated 5/19/08