Summer 2009 Volume 6, Number 2

When Trusting Hurts
 

Huey Hawkins, Jr., MSW, LCSW CCCE
Program Director
Kimble Cares Relatives As Parents
Program & Executive Director
The Boyhood Initiative of Missouri
314-882-6840 or
Erika Webb 314-882-6820
hueyhawkinsjr@yahoo.com
 

As a mental health therapist, I have worked with a number of children and adolescents being raised by their grandparents. Some of these children and adolescents struggle with emotional and behavioral problems. Many of these problems seem typical for children, including irritability, defiance, and opposition. Other problems seem to represent deeper psychological issues rooted in years of neglect and abuse. What I find to be most disrupting to these children is their inability to trust others and form positive relationships with even the most trusted family members (i.e. grandparents, aunts and uncles that have played a major role in their lives even before the change in living arrangements). Nearly a decade of clinical work and education has shown me that these children often struggle to form positive relationships because of angry feelings toward the life they inherited. All too often I hear these children vent their emotions and convey the same message: How can I trust you when so many others have hurt me?

I remember meeting with a young man and his grandmother during a family therapy session and trying to help them understand the conflict that had developed in their relationship. The grandmother was puzzled by her grandson’s behaviors toward her and other extended family members. “I’ve done nothing but tried to help him, and this is the thanks I get,” she vented. As we explored the reasons behind his behaviors and negative attitude, we approached the topic of trust, and he explained in such a passionate way that while he knew that his grandmother cared for and loved him, he still struggled to trust that she would not hurt him. This led into a conversation about the many adults in his life that had promised to care for and love him unconditionally, and the number of times that he felt abandoned, deceived, and thrown away by these same people. As seen in many children who have been abused or neglected, trusting and loving someone can be a painful experience. This young man had learned that manipulating, hurting, and deceiving others kept them at a safe distance and
prevented him from ever having to feel hurt and abandoned again.

Helping a child identify and work through trust issues is critical for their long-term development and survival as they become young adults. For many children, this help starts with teaching them small steps of showing trust to others, such as journaling their feelings and expectations of
others. This can also be done by helping them to communicate their needs (both emotional and physical) directly or developing cues to communicate needs.
Developing a non-threatening hand signal to state the need for space, for example, could be used to avoid an angry verbal response.

It is also important for children to feel supported when talking about the past abuse and affirmed as individuals who are worthy of respect; as such, the abuse and neglect that they experienced needs to be acknowledged. Similarly, it is important for relative caregivers to show sensitivity to their child’s trust difficulties, and verbalize a commitment to support them through difficult times. Whatever the strategy or technique used, it should focus on helping the child rebuild his ability to love and trust others based on genuine affection and enough time to heal from the past.

If your child struggles with some of these behaviors, I urge you to seek the help of others. There are a number of agencies and resources available; for more information, contact The Boyhood Initiative of Missouri at (314) 882-6840.