Summer 2006 Volume 3, Number 2

What Now?

Renee Farmar, MSW
Supervisor, Children’s Division
Missouri Department of Social Services
314-773-7742
Renee.Farmar@dds.co.gov
 

You probably made the decision to care for the child or children in your home in a blink of an eye. Careful consideration of the pros and cons of the decision is not usually a luxury afforded to caregivers when responding to a child in crisis.

After the child has lived with you for a time, the gravity of your situation begins to settle heavily on your shoulders. Navigating your way through the legal, emotional, educational and behavioral land mines can be an exhausting task.

Rarely are caregivers completely prepared to raise the child without first getting some type of assistance. New parents have nine months and baby showers. You were lucky if you had a few hours to prepare. As the caregiver in the family, you probably are the person that everyone turns to in a crisis. It’s like a game of responsibility tag. Guess what? You are it. And you are always it.

Friends and family will tell you all of the reasons why they could not do what you have done. They will tell you why they couldn’t do what you have done. They may even tell you that you are insane for taking on such responsibility. They may tell you that you must be a saint to be willing to make all of the sacrifices which you face everyday.

The fact is, you aren’t crazy. You aren’t a saint. You are responsible and you are willing, and they aren’t. They feel guilty and want to justify their own inaction by making you different or special somehow. They want you to understand and perhaps forgive them.

If you are not crazy or ready for sainthood, then they must face the fact that they may be lacking in some way. They want you to validate their guilt and insecurities. Additionally, if you are crazy or a saint, then you certainly don’t really need their help in any way. Their guilt is dissolved and they go on their merry way, leaving you to deal with all of the responsibility.

Caregivers are an interesting group. Because you often have the wisdom and ability to care for others, you often, almost universally, neglect the person who most needs you. You!

I cannot encourage you enough to reach out. Take advantage of the resources available to you through the Gateway Grandparent’s/Kinship network, neighborhood resources and support groups. Arrange a weekly break from parenting and make it your priority. It is part of your responsibility to yourself.