Spring 2006 Volume 3, Number 1

How to talk with your grandchild

Simon Koski, MEd, NCC, LPC
Interim Director
Family & Community Services
Edgewood Children’s Center
314-919-4762
skoski@eccstl.org

There are times when it seems our grandchildren and others just don’t seem to be listening to what we say. Maybe our talk with them seems unpleasant and uncomfortable, with a lot of shouting, threats, and name calling going on between us. Worse, they may ignore us or not talk at all. If you are having difficulty talking to your family and others, here are some ways you may improve the situation.

Take inventory. Notice the tone of your communication with others. Do you speak in a normal tone, or do you find yourself shouting? Is your voice calm, interested, and respectful, or is your voice angry? Do you stand near your grandchild or shout across the room? In every case, the first choice will set the tone for effective communication.

Create the right environment. Set aside time when you and your grandchild have time to talk without distractions, even if it is for a moment or two. Take turns talking. Try not to interrupt, even if you disagree with what is being said. Set up rules with your grandchild as to how you will talk to each other—then follow them. Include mutual respect, no threats, no name-calling. Make your environment safe for your grandchild to talk. Can he/she respectfully disagree or say “no” without fear of physical or verbal punishment? (Punishment is different from giving consequences that are previously agreed upon for rules that are broken.)

Listen. Listen with eye contact, full attention, a quiet mind, a head clear of everything but trying to understand what your grandchild is saying. Tell your grandchild what you thought he/she said to check if you understand the point, even if you don’t agree with it. (Example: “You’re mad at me because I won’t let you play outside. Is that right?”) When you talk, ask your grandchild to say back what he/she thought you said to be sure you’re understood. That way you both can clarify what you mean. Also “listen” for nonverbal communication. For example, if you notice your grandchild looks sad, you might say, “You look sad,” and wait for a reply.

Use “I” statements. Take responsibility for what you say or feel. For example, rather than saying, “You’re a bad boy for telling me to ‘shut up,’” you might say, “I’m hurt and feel disrespected when you tell me to ‘shut up.’” In that way, you as the grandparent describe the behavior as “bad,” but don’t label the child as “bad.” You also let your grandchild know how he/she is affecting you.

Don’t react; try to clarify. Sometimes children, especially teenagers and those who are troubled, will say hurtful things or cuss at grandparents. Rather than react to the words and take them personally, ask the child, “You seem angry at me, what is that about?” Often, that response gives the child a chance to find words to give his/her thoughts and feelings, which often has little to do with the original outburst.

Don’t lecture; say it with a word. Children tune out long lectures because you have probably said it to them before. Say “the dishes” when you want them to do the dishes, rather than, “How many times have I told you. . . .” (Too many!)

In this brief space, we have explored some ways to think about talking with loved ones and others. Effective communication is hard work sometimes, but it can bring rewards by building strong relationships and trust, and by healing wounds of the past.
 
Source: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (1999). Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.