Summer 2009 Volume 6, Number 2

Doing the Right Thing
 

Rene Farmar, MSW
Supervisor, Children’s Division
Missouri Department of Social Services
314-773-7742
Rene.M.Farmar@dss.mo.gov

Ms. Q has been caring for her daughter's child for over two years now. It's 10:00 p.m. and the phone rings. Her daughter's speech is slurred. She is not aware of the time, but insists on speaking to the child. Ms. Q tries to explain that the child is asleep. Her daughter becomes angry, threatens to come to Ms. Q's home and remove her child.

Dealing with unpredictable and sometimes irrational parents can be one of the most challenging aspects of raising a relative's child. Boundaries are necessary and can be difficult to establish. Once set, these boundaries need to be constantly guarded. This alone can be exhausting for the relative in the parenting role. Friendly firmness is required.

Ms. Q spoke very calmly to her daughter. She told her the child was asleep. She suggested that the mother call back tomorrow morning and gave her a time which would assure the child's availability. Ms. Q told her daughter that she understood and appreciated her need to connect with the child. She promised to make the connection happen, but at a more appropriate time. When her daughter did not call back the next morning at the agreed upon time, Ms. Q called her daughter to follow up. They made plans to get together for a visit.

During the visit, Ms. Q allowed her daughter to act like a parent. Ms. Q encouraged her daughter. She told her daughter she appreciated the small gifts she brought for the child and then shared the child’s pictures and school work with her daughter.

Ms. Q made it a point never to talk negatively about her daughter in front of the child. She had some trusted friends with whom she could vent when necessary, but only did so when the child was at school. She answered the child's questions as honestly as she could without giving the child information which may have been too much for the child's young age. Ms. Q also found a support group in her area. She acquired many skills during the meetings and enjoyed the break from parenting.

Ms. Q's proudest moment came during the child's high school graduation. Knowing they had done their very best for the child that mattered to them both. Ms. Q sat next to her daughter to witness the moment. They shared the pride and joy together, knowing the child loved and needed them both for many reasons.