January 2001

 

Grief: A Very Individual Process
Kathy Dothage, dothagem@missouri.edu

Occasionally, someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one will find him or herself with no tears to cry. With others around them seeming to be constantly tearful, they question their own ability to grieve, question their grief, and even their "true" love for the deceased. The truth is that grieving is a very individual and unique experience. No two people experience grief in the same way.

Each loss is as unique as the individual and the relationship each had with the deceased. The loss of a spouse is different from the loss of a friend, child, parent or sibling. That is not to say it is easier – or more difficult -- to work through; it says only that each loss is different. An old saying makes this point on the different types of loss: "When we lose a parent, we lose our past; when we lose a spouse, we lose our present; and when we lose a child we lose our future."

Additionally, the contrast is not just in the role of the relationship; the quality may be different as well. We may get along differently with each of our siblings, with our parents, or with each of our children. Therefore, each relationship is unique in the way it is mourned. How a loved one dies may also affect our grief. For instance, whether the death was very sudden, or followed a long, painful illness will have an impact on our reaction. Grieving a suicide or homicide is different from a natural death. And sometimes the circumstances combined with the cause can create special issues for survivors. If you were on a vacation, or on an extended trip overseas, for instance, when your loved one died and you were unreachable, there will be additional issues to reconcile.

We must remember that our reactions reflect our own uniqueness. Each person has his or her own personality, and each has individual ways of coping. Some are better able to cope than others -- especially in crisis. Some bury themselves in work, while others feel they are unable to concentrate enough to work. Some want to talk and others avoid conversation.

Aspects of our background will sometimes affect our grieving. The rituals, customs and belief of the various ethnic and religious groups that we may be a part of will facilitate our grieving -- and these can complicate our grieving. Different gender roles can also affect our grieving.

Our current situation at the time of the loss can be a significant factor in our grieving. It is more difficult to cope with the stress of grief if our health is poor, or if our friends and family are unavailable or unsupportive.

All of these factors remind us that no two people grieve – even the loss of the same person -- alike. So, while we may be tempted to compare our grief reactions to the reactions of others, the reasons for our differences are much more associated with our individuality than they are with how we loved the one who has died.

Source: Adapted by Lois Fitzpatrick from " The Individuality of Grief," by Kenneth J. Doka, editor, in the November 2000 issue of Journeys, the newsletter of the Hospice Foundation of America.

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