November 2001

 

Facing The Practical Realities 
of Elder Care
Beverly Pfeiffer, pheifferb@missouri,edu

There are certain realities to caring for aging parents that may not be easy to accept but can’t be ignored, because they provide a realistic basis for your actions/decisions. Here are some important ones:

Your parents may not come around to your way of thinking. You may dislike the way they’re living or handling their money. But if you try to impose your will, they may become more stubborn and even stop talking with you. If your parents comply grudgingly, they’ll try to undermine your efforts, and if they surrender altogether, they may become completely dependent on you. Be willing to compromise, even if it falls short of your wishes.

Your parents have the right to make their own decisions as long as they’re capable of making decisions. They have the right to manage their own lives as they see fit. You may not appreciate their refusal to do things as you would like, but unless their health or safety is at risk, you have to bow out. As a caregiver, you are their helper. Ask permission before making changes or suggestions. If your parents’ judgment is impaired, you will have to act in their best interest. But to the extent possible, show respect to get their cooperation.

Even if you can’t agree, something good may come from simply talking. If you try to encourage your mother to give up her third-floor apartment, but she lets you know that she doesn’t want to and can manage on her own, then a fruitful discussion has taken place. She knows that you’re concerned about her, and you know that you can try again should circumstances change.

Not being clear about what you want can lead to bad decisions. If your dad agrees to move in with you because he thinks that’s what you want, and you invite him to move in because you think that’s what he wants, you may both end up with a “solution” that makes neither of you happy.

You parents may not tell you they need help. And even if you ask, they may deny it. “I didn’t want to worry you” is a phrase you’re likely to hear. Parents often conceal their anxieties and distress because they don’t want to be a burden.

Sometimes you can do little or nothing to help. Witnessing your parent’s gradual decline or their struggles with major illness makes you want to do something to help. But taking steps that make you feel better such as insisting they change their diet or take vitamin supplements may do little but create the illusion that you are helping them. If a situation is truly without remedy, remember that patience, companionship and caring are of far more value than acting hastily to relieve your own anxiety.

There’s no single “right” answer to the problem you’re having with your parent. Even if you believe you’ve found the solution, forcing it on your parents can be destructive. Think in terms of alternatives that will give everyone some breathing room.

Sometimes logic doesn’t count. The best decision may not be the most logical or sensible one. Practicality may need to take a backseat to your parent’s emotional needs. For example, if keeping several thousand dollars in your father’s checking account gives him peace of mind, then you’re making the “right” choice by simply dropping the subject.

Today’s solution may be out of date tomorrow. Solutions need to be continually reevaluated, as your parent’s needs change. Timing is everything.

Old family patterns die hard. If one sibling has been the “good” child while another the “self-server,” chances are those roles won’t change. Nor should you expect radical personality transformations to occur in your family. By the same token, if there are bad feelings between your parents or between a parent and your spouse, those feelings will not disappear. In fact, specific areas of conflict may become even more extreme. Being aware of these issues, will help prepare you for conflicts that will inevitably occur as you plan care-giving strategies.

Source: “Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? How to Resolve the Most Common Dilemmas with Aging Parents” by Joseph A. Ilardo, PH.D., A.C.S.W. and Carole Rothman, Ph.D., VanderWyk & Burnham Publishing, 800-789-7616.