September 2000

 

Taking On the Role Of Caregiver
Beverly Pfeiffer, pfeifferb@missouri.edu

Did you know that the typical U.S. family caregiver is female (82%), married (74%) and between 36 and 65 years old? She’s likely to be employed (47%) and to work more that 31 hours per week (71%). The National Family Caregivers Association also tells us that 48% of caregivers care for a spouse or partner, 24% for a parent, 19% for children and 9% for a sibling, friend, relative or some other person.

Who becomes a caregiver and why

Many circumstances contribute to a person becoming a caregiver and, often, two or more of the following factors are combined:

• Social expectations. The unwritten expectations are that parents will care for their children and that domestic partners or spouses will care for each other as long as they can, and then the children will take over. In most societies, women are expected to be caregivers as a natural extension of their nurturing role, although many men also take on this role.
• Convenience and circumstances. If you’re an only child or if you live closest to the care recipient and your schedule is the most flexible, you will probably be asked to become the caregiver -- even though you may not be the most willing or the best suited to take on the responsibility.
• Past behavior. Every family has members who are more solicitous, more accommodating and more willing to put themselves out. These are the people who usually become caregivers.
• Relationship quality. All other factors being equal, the family member who has the closest relationship with the care recipient is most likely to become the caregiver.
• Self-perception. People who see themselves as caring, devoted and reliable are more likely to assume the role. But love and compassion may not be the only motives. For example, some caregivers enjoy playing the martyr, upstaging other family members and inducing guilt. Others want to take financial advantage of the care recipient.

Reacting to caregiver role

Although it’s impossible to predict how you might react to becoming a caregiver, here are some factors that will determine the ease with which most people assume this role. They’re useful to know, especially if you anticipate becoming a caregiver in the near future.

• The suddenness with which you are thrust into the role. If you’re thrown into the care giving role without warning or the chance to prepare emotionally, you may have a difficult time. The adjustment is easier if you take on the role gradually.

• Your own life cycle. Aging partners typically expect to provide care for one another, but it’s quite another matter when a young person has to care for an equally young spouse. Caring for an older or ill person during the early phases of one’s own family’s life cycle is particularly difficult. This is compounded when a family has recently relocated and is not familiar with a new community’s resources.
• The anticipated outcome. Short-term care giving is much easier to accept especially when the outcome is a happy one. Taking on the caregiver role is far more upsetting when there’s not much hope for a happy ending.
• Quality of the relationship. The presence of love and respect in normal interactions increases the likelihood of a generous give and take in adverse circumstances. Care giving is like a litmus test of the health of a relationship.
• Demands on the caregiver. There’s a big difference between providing companionship or driving someone to the doctor and having to help someone eat, walk or take a bath.
• Care recipient’s attitude. Some people are so angry about their illness or disability that they can’t acknowledge, let alone express gratitude, for the help they are getting. Ironically, however, a care recipient who shows gratitude and is cooperative can make it more difficult for the caregiver to express his or her normal feelings of anger and resentment.
• Caregiver’s temperament. Relaxed, confident, flexible caregivers are the most effective. Those who know and respect their limitations -- and are willing to ask for help -- almost always succeed with less angst than those feel they must "do it all" and are unwilling to ask for or accept assistance.

What about your own family?

Learning more about how people are chosen and their initial reactions to this role should help you assess your own degree of comfort with the idea of care giving or guide you in choosing a caregiver in your family.

If you are already a caregiver and you were chosen mainly because you live a block away from your mother, you might try to find a way to involve your brother who lives elsewhere. Or if you were chosen because you were the only girl in the family or were the youngest child, it may be time to address this issue with your siblings and arrange for a more equitable distribution of responsibilities.

Source: Work and Family Life Newsletter, 12/99.

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