July 2000 July 2000
Sucessful Aging: Retirement With Your Spouse
Art Schneider, schneidera@missouri.eduStarting sometime this fall, Human Environmental specialists will be offering programs on Successful Aging in Central Missouri. Since my program will focus on marriage in retirement, I thought it appropriate to put a short article together that addresses this topic.
In Missouri, according to the 1990 Census (StF3 P127), there were 204,462 married people age 65 and older. This includes retired persons who have been divorced or widowed and are now remarried and also those who are working. In addition, there also are people younger than age 65 who are retired, so one might expect this number is fairly close and that it probably will be much higher when the 2000 census results are available.
It is troublesome to me that so little research addresses the social-psychological aspect of being married in retirement. However, there are hundreds of articles on the economic aspects of retirement, a large number on nutrition, a large number on care-giving and nursing homes.
Today, people are living longer and healthier. Indeed, people may spend as much as one-third of their lives in retirement--and many will be sharing some or most of those years with a long-term spouse. One recent article noted that when wives retire, that decision has little to do with their husband’s decision to retire, but that husband’s decisions to retire influences wives to retire.
Dr. Willard Harley, a counselor, notes that "Retirement…often has a sudden and stressful impact on marriage." A major change is spending more time together. People married a long time are less likely to divorce, even if there are relationship problems. There may be many incentives to stay together, such as extended family, financial, informal relationships, and so on. Even close spouses have to make adjustments because they may be spending 40 to 60 hours a week together in retirement.!!!! Whew….
If at all financially possible and your employer or business is flexible, gradually move from the workplace into retirement. Gradually cut back – two-thirds time for a while, then half time, then quarter time, to minimize the changing stress level.
Today's upcoming retirees may have spent years developing independent lifestyles and not cultivated common interests to enhance compatibility in their retirement years. Starting early in a marriage is best, but if that hasn't been done, starting when you can to jointly cultivate new or earlier interests that you BOTH enthusiastically embrace is very important.
Plan personal, private time, and time with others in amounts that are sufficient to meet your individual needs and meet your partner's emotional needs. Increasingly, retirees work a few hours a week --often not for the money, but for the social interaction. This might be something you might do with your spouse.
Eliminating personal habits that the partner dislikes takes on added importance when more time is spent together. Build toward retirement by spending an entire week together. That may be very challenging. For older adults, this is a time of learning to become partner-focused rather than child-focused.
The baby boomer generation is breaking a number of stereotypes about aging. One major change is moving from the thinking that retirement is a time for waiting to die to retirement as a time to be active, to experiment, to learn and grow. Growing with a lifelong partner can promote adventure and emotional security.
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