December 2000

 

18 Great Stress Busters for the Holiday Season
Beverly Pfeiffer, pfeifferb@missouri.edu

Whether we’re married or single, parents, stepparents, aunts, uncles or grandparents, we all have a vision of what we would like the holiday season to be. Our visions may not be the same, because we grew up in different families and different places, but chances are that we share many of the same expectations. We want holidays to be the way we remember them or an idealized version of the memory.

While holidays give families a chance to reconnect and remember their shared past, they can also provide fertile ground for conflict. Deciding whom to invite to your house or whose family to visit or how much travel you can (or care to) manage are potential sources of tension.

Here’s how to anticipate some of these problems and add enjoyment to your holidays.

For family get-togethers:

1. Holiday togetherness has its pitfalls, but just because someone gets angry or something awkward happens, don’t let that ruin your trip to the holiday. Take it in stride. It happens in every family.
2. Be forewarned, you do not have to be the person that makes everything right.
3. See the holidays as a good time to catch up and have positive interactions with relatives, but not the best time to repair old wounds or bring up difficult topics.
4. Plan for potentially awkward times such as the hours between lunch and dinner. Offer to stay with the kids while others go to a movie. Organize a walk or have some board games ready.
5. Don’t try to do everything yourself or you’ll end up resenting others. Decide ahead of time with your friends, spouse or kids who will do or bring what. You’ll find that everyone will enjoy the holiday more.
6. Be cool. It isn’t worth arguing over every small criticism or getting resentful if your parents give you a lot of advice you feel you don’t need. A sense of balance and of humor will go a long way to relieve tensions that might spoil your visit.

For singles who are staying home:

1. If you have no family plans, don’t assume you’ll be happy just hanging out by yourself. Take an active approach. Get together with a few other people to see a show or a movie, go bike riding or dancing – whatever you enjoy.
2. Create a new "family" for holiday meals with colleagues and friends. Plan the menu together. If everyone brings a dish, no one will have to do all of the cooking. Develop new rituals and have fun.
3. If you’re in a relationship, it’s better to keep things on an even keel rather than trying to achieve a new level of commitment. Many people assume that the holidays are a good time to change a tentative relationship to something more permanent, but it may not work out.
4. If you’re having a romantic problem or if a friend or family member has died, the holidays can be difficult. It helps to spend time with people you like. So does getting out and doing something for someone else.

For single parents or stepfamilies:

1. Involve kids in some of the planning. This is important because typically children from a divorced or newly reconstituted family feel a loss of control. Adults seem to be making all of the decisions. Just be aware that younger children particularly, will choose options that seem the most convenient and least upsetting to everyone else.
2. When your plans are firm, let kids know what to expect, who will pick them up and take them to the other parent’s house, how long they will stay, where they will sleep, who else will be there, and how and when they can call or send e-mail to the other parent.
3. Try to facilitate contact with the other parent’s relatives. Arrange visits with grandparents, aunts and uncles – if they want to see the child and the child wants to see them.
4. Find ways to make kids comfortable with new stepbrothers and sisters. Make special time for them in pairs so they can get to know each other in an unpressured surrounding.
5. Don’t expect kids to make an instant adjustment to a new family and new siblings. They may not act happy all of the time. Don’t force it. If a remarriage is recent and the families hardly know each other, it’s okay for kids to sometimes feel sad.
6. Honor rituals from previous families by letting everyone choose (and perhaps cook) a special dish. Read the children their own holiday story or teach everyone a holiday song. Then add some new traditions.

Source: Adapted from Work & Family Life, 1/99.

 

Return to 2000 archive index page