October 2003

 

Can adult children and their parents become friends?
Beverly Pfeiffer, PfeifferB@missouri.edu

I realized that my mother is just a person, not the superpower she presented herself to be, and what I saw as a child and even as a young adult in my 20’s.”

“I learn more about my parents as people now that they don’t ‘parent’ as much.”

Recognizing that they are like everyone else--human beings with flaws as well as virtues--helps adult children change the way they relate to their parents so they can become more like friends, share their lives as grown-ups and enjoy each other more.

In talking to more than 150 adults from 27 to 55, I was surprised by how much they wanted to forge stronger bonds with their parents and find ways to relate more like peers. Aware that their time with parents is limited and precious, they wanted to get to know them as friends.

They’re still your parents.

Achieving a more peer like relationship with parents requires attitude adjustments and new ground rules, but some things don’t change. After all these years, your parents can still find ways to throw you off-balance and resurrect old doubts. They’re your biggest fans and harshest critics--and you continue to want their approval, no matter how old, how independent or how successful you are. In short, your parents’ opinions remain extremely important.

Just keep your expectations realistic. Having a respectful, congenial relationship doesn’t mean you won’t ever disagree again. A friend cannot fulfill every need, and even among the best of friends, disagreements arise. This is especially true with your mother and father. While differences can threaten to dissolve a relationship, a strong friendship--like the one you have the power to develop with your parents--will most likely survive and, as time goes by, become even stronger and closer.

Becoming more like peers.

Whether you get along fairly well with your parents on the whole or you have some difficulty, you will find new ways to connect once you develop a more friend-like relationship with them. It may evolve into a warm intimate friendship or something more casual and surface. But as with peer friendships, adult children and parents have to make an effort to make the relationship fulfilling. Here are some ground rules to help you and your parents become, and remain, supportive, loving allies.

Let go of the old stuff. Forget the mistakes your parents made (or you think they made) when you were growing up. Sometimes it can be easier to fault parents for your unhappiness or shortcomings than to admit to yourself that you too made mistakes and are accountable for your own behavior and disappointments. Consider that when a friend upsets or hurts you, if you value the friendship, you forgive that person, or at least tuck the incident away, so you can preserve what you have together.

Address new hurts promptly. Small rebuffs such as an insensitive remark about a meal you prepared or a complaint about your holiday plans with your in-laws can create rifts in a relationship, but they can be overcome. When a new offense occurs, explain to your parents how it upset you, and ask them to do the same with you. Look through a long-term lens: Life is too short to...

Accept your parents as they are. Rebecca wishes that she and her mother could talk more about their feelings but her mother just doesn’t “get close” in that way. So they discuss more superficial matters such as clothing and store sales. “She’s a good person,” Rebecca says. “We’re close because I’m her only daughter and I have daughters of my own, not because we confide in each other and share our feelings.”

Draw clear boundaries. Parental intimacy, encouragement, nurturing and support--crucial while you were growing up--can be beneficial in adulthood as well, but they can also feel “smothering” when parents don’t respect your separateness.

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It’s all right to answer parents’ questions with limited information for example. Just be clear with them when you don’t feel comfortable doing or talking about what they are asking.

Stay connected. All parents want to be acknowledged and appreciated, and one way to satisfy this desire is to stay in touch. Even parents who seem to be completely independent would like to be remembered and included in small but meaningful ways. You may not realize it, but the “ball” or momentum of the relationship is almost always in your court as an adult child, especially if you lead a busy life. Clarify your time restraints, schedule visits and phone calls, email consistently to fill in the gaps between your calls and visits, and set up “instant messaging” on your and your parents’ computers.

Discover and share mutual interests. As you look beyond their parenting role, you can find new things to enjoy about your parents. Common interests such as sports, gardening or politics serve to support, stabilize and enrich your friendship. When you move into a more balanced give-and-take, parents and adult children consult each other, each taking the lead at different times as the “expert” on a subject.

“ I get advice from Mom and use her as my sounding board,” says Lynn. “She’ll call me about a real estate client she doesn’t know how to handle.

Be thoughtful and inclusive. It’s not only what you and your parents do together that makes a difference. It’s also the way you think about and respect each other. In your adult child-parent friendship with so many elements and so much history working together, the intangibles are the true binding factor: how sensitive you are to each other, your capacity to listen and your ability to suspend judgment--the very same traits so treasured in a peer who is your friend.

More links to path of friendship: Bring your parents to your job so they can see where you work and meet your colleagues. Coach your parents on using email or surfing the Web. Introduce your parents to your friends. Include them in social gatherings when appropriate. Eat out together. Experience a cuisine you have never tried before. Teach parents a game they have never played. Tell parents about your favorite author or comedian. Join a book or investment club together. Read the same books and talk about them. Take parents to a concert or local theater. Get involved in a community project together. Start a new family tradition with the grandchildren. Plan a weekend trip together. Challenge a parent to a game of tennis, a round of golf, or a hand of gin rummy. Go bike riding or for a walk together.

Source: By Susan Newman, Ph.D. Work & Family Life Newsletter May 2003