What I Learned

Early Friday morning, April 29, 2005 my Dad died at the Missouri Veteran’s Home. I would like to share with you what I learned by being the daughter caregiver for my Parkinson’s diseased Dad and my vibrant Mom. I do have two sisters and a brother, but two of my siblings live in Texas and the other sister lives a three hour drive away.

First of all let me tell you that my 83-year-old Dad lived a busy life. He and my Mom were active in the community and at church. They traveled to visit their children and grandchildren and played BINGO and cards on a weekly basis. Having a strong support system of neighbors, friends, and family has made the adjustment period easier for my Mom.

Know wishes of parents before they become ill. Talk about resuscitation, feeding tubes, etc.

Go to see a lawyer, to update or make a will, explore other financial options and arrange for a power of attorney/health care directives.

Review with them bank statements, insurance policies, etc. and location of marriage and birth certificates.

Call in other family members early enough to say, “good-bye” and resolve any issues.

Take some time off to be with your dying loved one. Some very peaceful time was spent at my Dad’s bedside.

Call in hospice services. These professionals are compassionate and know what needs to be done for the patient and the family.

There is not a more painful feeling following the death of a loved one than guilt. Guilt can cause endless torment in the mind of one who grieves. Did I do enough? Why didn’t I? I miss my Dad but I do not have guilt because I followed some of the advice that I gave you above. Truth has allowed me to experience the blessings of life amidst the pain of loss.

Whenever we face loss to death, divorce, loss of a job, we experience grief. Our reactions are unique and individual; none of us experience grief in the same way. Not only are we different, but our losses are different. Some may grieve a spouse, others a child, parent, brother, sister, or friend. Each of these relationships may have been close; others may have had more conflict.

“Take time to grieve, to realize that life will be different, and sometimes difficult.”

We may feel anger. Feelings of sadness, longing for the person’s presence, or envy of others who have not experienced your loss, may be troubling, but are normal and natural responses to grief. The famous Kubler-Ross Good Grief Cycle defines the stages of good grief as normal function, shock and denial, anger, depression and detachment, dialogue, acceptance and return to meaningful life.

Here are a few pointers for those grieving, and for being a friend to those who are:

A person who feels overwhelmed for months, who cannot sleep, has persistent nightmares and who has lost interest in once-enjoyable activities may be slipping into “complicated” grief and may need professional help.

Grief can be described as a roller coaster. It is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, times that you think that you are doing better and times that we are sure you are not. It is important that we accept the fact that we are grieving. We need to be gentle with ourselves. We need to draw on our resources-our coping skills, own sources of support, and our spiritual strengths. Do not struggle alone. Share your grief with family and friends. Seek help from books, clergy, or counselors. Journaling is a method that some experts believe to be a good strategy for coping with grief. Maybe writing a news article is the same therapy for me. Thanks for really listening! For more grief support, call 1-800-959-8277.

Source: Journeys A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, “Grieving”, Kenneth Doka. Hospice Foundation of America. 2005. www.hospicefoundation.org

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		University of Missouri Extension Cape Girardeau County capeco@missouri.edu 573-243-3581 Last revised: 08/14/2008