Cape Girardeau County

I do not want to be a bossy mother-in-law that criticizes and interferes in the life of my adult children. But did I miss this class in college? I have always thought the mother-in-law jokes were unfair because I really think my own mother was a great mother-in-law.

Sometimes mother-in-laws feel that no one is good enough for their child but those feelings need to be set aside. Mother-in-laws are the mature and natural leader in the "in-law" family and sets the tone for a positive and healthy relationship. She usually plans the family gatherings and holidays. According to Dr. Susan Newman in her book, Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father, "conceding, compromising and laughing about dilemmas and individual quirks add harmony and make these important connections… less burdensome."

Here are some suggestions from Yvette Strauss in The Other Mother:

Only give advice when asked because advice is heard as criticism. It is usually better for grown up children to figure things out for themselves.

• Be careful about offering to step in. –if you see the dishes piled up in the sink or the grease on the stove thick enough to write your name, just look away.

• Be direct.-don’t expect people to be mindreaders. If you ask your daughter-in-law, "Have you thought about what you’re going to do for Christmas this year?’ and she answers "No, not yet," you will undoubtly be upset because what you really want to know was, "How am I going to be included in your holiday plans?"

• Be open-minded and respectful of cultural differences. –talk about your differences but focus on similarities.

As you are reading this it is important to get the perspective of the daughter-in-law. As mother-in-law of less than two years, I need to know the other side of the story. Yvette Strauss has advice to share from three generations of daughter-in-laws that she interviewed for her book.

know the other side of the story. Yvette Strauss has advice to share from three generations of daughter-in-laws that she interviewed for her book.

Love your in-law children. Show appreciation what they have done for you sons or daughters. Give respect, it will be returned.

Use straight talk. Give compliments and accept our flaws.

Be flexible with holidays. That means birthdays and anniversaries, too.

Please listen. Try to actually hear what we say.

Visit us. Spend some time alone with your grandchildren so you can give them your full attention.

Positive comments only. The glass is half full not half empty.

Dwell in the future, not the past.

Make a life for yourself. We cannot be your life.

Do things fairly. Make gifts the same dollar value to each member of the family.

Learn to back off. Don’t put on the guilt trip to visit. Let our visits be one of joy.

Talk directly to us. No talking through our spouse please.

That is some list to think about. I always wanted another child and now I have another daughter. It has been fun to get to know her and spend time together. These reminders I hope will help me to build a great relationship with new members of our family. I hope I have given you some new ideas.

Source: Work and Family Life Newsletter. Elder Issues-How to be (and have) a great mother-in-law. September 2005. Vol. 19. No. 10, p. 3.

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