Feature Articles

Grief is Natural: Open Conversations with Books

 Aarvy Aardvark Finds Hope by Donna O’Toole. Aardvark's delayed grief over the loss of his family begins to heal.

 Belle Prater’s Boy by Ruth White. Woodrow’s mother disappears and he moves into his grandparent’s home.

 Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide to Changing Families by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. Depicts the range of experiences and feelings for children whose parents have divorced.

 Everett Anderson’ Goodbye by Lucille Clifton. Story about the death of a parent.

 Good-bye Daddy by Bridgette Weninger. The Daddy bear has to move and live in a different town.

 Robert Lives with His Grandparent by Martha Hickman.

 Love is a Family by Roma Downey. A look at all kind of families.

 Through Grandpa’s Eyes by Patricia Maclachlan.

 Sad Isn’t Bad by Michaelene Mundy.

 Do I Have a Daddy? Jeanne Warren Lindsey.

 Keep a journal where they can draw or write about their feelings.

 Create a timeline that includes dates of their losses, changes in their lives, positive events.

 Help them make finger puppets and act out plays about their feelings.

 Exercise or do active activities.

 Have them draw pictures of their family. Make a collage.

Grandparents Can Help Children With Grief

by Kris Jenkins, Human Development Specialist

     None of us can keep bad things from happing to those we love. But it can be especially painful when it is a grandchild is suffering. Most children will experience a major loss before they become adults. Someone they love may die; parents may divorce; or a parent may be addicted to drugs, abusive or even in jail. It’s natural for children to feel abandoned and go through a grieving experience.

Normal Reactions – and Causes for Worry
     Children can really struggle with the loss of a parent through death or abandonment. They don’t know what to do about the pain they feel, miss that person and worry about who will take care of them. Grandparents can often be their solid ground.

     Children grieve differently than adults so it’s important to understand what is normal and what is not.

It is normal for grieving grandchildren to:
Ü Be depressed or anxious.
Ü Misbehave or be angry.
Ü Revert to old behaviors such as thumb sucking or bed wetting.
Ü Blame themselves for the death or the fact that a parent can’t take care of them.
Ü Focus on death and dying in drawings and make-believe games.

     While there is no set timetable for grief, children who seem stuck in the grieving process, may need outside help.

Get help immediately if the child:
Ü Expresses the desire to die too.
Ü Has obvious problems with school performance
Ü Engages in drug or alcohol use.
Ü Can’t connect with others or withdraws and refuses to communicate.
Ü Has sleep interruptions and bad dreams for an extended period.

The Way Children Mourn
     Children grieve differently than adults do. Usually, they show grief but can only focus on that sadness for a short period of time. This is the mind’s way of keeping them from overload.  Because of the immaturity of their brain and emotions, it make take children a long time to mourn.

     While infants don’t understand death, they sense the emotional tension in the family. Preschoolers often see death as a kind of sleep and believe the person will come back.  By age six, children understand about death but often worry most about their own death. Teenagers look like adults, but they are still children at heart. They need extra support and understanding.

What Can You Do to Help

Here are some tips for helping a grieving grandchild:

ÜTalk with them in a calm, quiet manner. Answer questions honestly.
ÜRemember to be patient. You may have to answer the same question over and over, until the child can wrap his/her mind around the answer.
ÜTry and share your feelings with the child. Drawing pictures, writing stories and playing with dolls can help children cope.
ÜHelp the child remember the person who is gone. Picture albums and stories of happier can help.

     While you can’t protect your grandchildren from sadness, you can help them to move on. You can assure them that there is someone who cares and that they aren’t alone.

Grandparents Have Rights,Too
by Kris Jenkins, Human Environmental Sciences Spec.

Traditionally, grandparents visit their grandchildren whenever they want. Grandparents often send cards and gifts, visit via telephone or email and plan activities or trips.  Many grandparents also provide child care while parents work. This regular contact is mutually beneficial to everyone.

But in recent years, the rights of grandparents have been complicated by issues of divorce, parental custody and the increasing number of children who are born to unmarried parents. Sadly, what often happens is that the parents of the non-custodial parent get to see their grandchildren little or not at all.

Grandparent’s rights are a controversial issue.  Should grandparents be denied access to their grandchildren?  Should the court interfere with the parents’ right to determine who has access to their children?

The best approach for grandparents is to attempt to find a resolution without a court visit  Try these tips:

n   If the grandchild’s parents are getting a divorce or separating, ask them to include a visitation schedule for you in the divorce or custody agreement.

n  If your relationship with the parents has been difficult, try and work out a compromise for the sake of the grandchildren.

n Seek a trained mediator. Much less expensive than a lawyer, these experts help families find a middle ground.

n Keep in touch with your grandchildren with cards, telephone calls or by email. Keep a log of these contacts in case you have to prove an established relationship.

n Never put your grandchildren in the middle with negative remarks about their parents.

     If none of these tips work, there is still hope.  In all 50 states, grandparents have certain visitation rights—but how extensive or limited depends on the state.

     Both Missouri and Kansas have grandparents’ visitation statutes. Grandparents do have visitation rights if parents are divorced or divorce is pending, the parent is deceased or the child is born out of wedlock. However, it is not automatic. They must prove that they have a substantial relationship with the grandchild and that visitation is in the best interest of the minor child.  Grandparents have the burden of proof on both of these matters. They must also be able to prove that the denial of visitation is unreasonable.  In both states, these rights do not apply to grandchildren whose parents are still married.

     It is important for children to spend time with their grandparents and extended family.  In today’s, difficult world, there can never be too many caring and loving people in a child’s life.

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