Dealing with Divorce
by Nina Chen, Ph.D.
University of Missouri Extension
Human Development Specialist

It is always hard to deal with divorce.
Everyone in the family is hurt. Feelings
of anger, sadness depression, help- lessness, loneliness, and guilt are common for separating or divorcing people.

Divorce is another type of loss and a
difficult transition. It always takes time for people to adjust or heal. In particular during the first year after divorce, people usually have a tough time to re-establish their social circle or lifestyle as a single again. They may feel hopelessness and want to withdraw from their friends. They may feel shame and try to be alone and avoid people's criticism or judgment. Some of them may feel abandoned or blame self or someone for causing the divorce.

Going through a divorce mixes a lot of
emotional pains, feelings, and losing
directions and hopes. It is just like a night- mare. However, life goes on, and you have to find ways to re-establish your confidence and hope for  challenging the future.

What can you do when you divorce? It
always takes a while for you to calm down after a divorce and think about what you are going to do. Try to find if there is a support group for divorced people to get together such as "Parents without Partners." It is important for you to have someone who has a similar situation for sharing and support.

If there is no such group, talk to someone you trust or you feel comfor- table to share your feelings with. You may talk to your close friends, family members, or your church pastor or counselor or find professional help

You may struggle in financial issues or making decisions about what to do. List pros and cons in terms of your needs and priorities which can help you decide which should go first.

Finding resources and support from
others is helpful to set your plan and
eliminate some barriers.

It is common for divorced people to
ignore their health, such as over eating, lack of appetite, or sleep disorders. Keeping a healthy diet, having enough rest, and exercise are needed to be in your plan.

Spend time with others and keep your life more pleasant. For instance, you may want to be around your friends who have a good sense of humor which may help you develop a sense of humor and look at your life in a positive way.

The above are some suggestions, how- ever, everyone has different ways to deal with divorce. You are the one who knows which best fits your needs. Be confident to tell yourself that you will be able to overcome this difficult time and live better.

More than 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce and children often get caught in the middle. Divorce is already a stressful time but when parents fight over children, and who gets the children at which holiday, the process can become even more confusing.

"The first message children need to understand is that divorce is a process which takes place between adults," said Jinny Hopp, human development specialist, University of Missouri Extension. "Even after parents have divorced, every child still has a mom and a dad. They no longer live together but they are still parents."

Many children worry that they somehow caused the divorce. They have a lot of fear about what will happen and they wonder if the other parent will leave them.

"Hostility between parents only increases the stress for the child. That is why child development specialists recommend that adult problems be worked out away from the children," said Hopp.

Parents can take some age-appropriate steps during divorce to reassure children that they are not the cause of the divorce.

"Younger children don’t understand what is happening. They respond to the tension and conflict with changes in behavior, loss of appetite, more crying, sleeping problems, and a desire to cling to parents. Older children can understand but typically do not want to accept the divorce. Teens can react in extreme ways designed to keep the parents together or they might show a lot of risk taking behavior like shoplifting and skipping school," said Hopp.

What parents do to reassure children depends on what children understand. In general children of all ages need reassurance that they will still be loved and cared for by their parents. Spending time with each parent is important. So are routines for daily living and shared parenting. Parents should remind children often that both parents still love the child.

"Two of the hardest things for children are being asked to choose between parents, and asking the children to be messengers to the other parent. The other advice is to find other adults to discuss your problems with. Children do not need to carry the burden of adult issues," said Hopp.

For more information on this topic contact the University of Missouri Extension center in your county, or visit http://extension.missouri.edu/explore, to obtain a copy of the following guide sheet: GH6600 “Helping Children Understand Divorce.” That guide sheet separates children’s understanding of divorce (and how to communicate with them on the topic) by age.