Jackson County

By Nina Chen, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist

Being a grandparent can be difficult when an adult child divorces and grandchildren are involved. What can grandparents do to support both their adult children and grandchildren during this challenging time? The following are some suggestions:

Cope with emotions. When an adult child divorces, the loss of a bond with grandchildren can be difficult for grandparents. The feelings of loss, anger, and grief are normal. However, it is important for grandparents to share their feelings with others, rather than with the divorcing child.

Discuss your involvement. Grandparents have their own daily activities and agendas before their adult child divorce. They may travel a lot or attend different community activities and social clubs. Grandparents need to talk with their adult child about the types and amount of support that they can provide. This will help both the adult child and grandparents know what to expect and set realistic goals to avoid future conflicts.

Maintain a neutral role. Grandparents need to show support and love to their adult child and avoid using negative messages about the former in-laws in front of grandchildren. Grandparents should be careful not to side with one parent over the other and should avoid reassuring children that parents may get back together. During this transition, grandchildren need their grandparents to spend time with them. Children need a listener and someone they can talk to about their feelings and emotions. Sharing companionship with grandchildren can be very helpful for grandchildren to adjust to divorce.

Have flexible attitudes. Grandparents need to be supportive and maintain flexible attitudes toward their adult child(ren)'s divorce. Studies show that when grandparents have flexible attitudes toward their adult child's decisions, they are likely to have better relationships with them after the divorce.

Keep regular contact. Research shows that grandchildren benefit from contact with their grandparents. However, it can be difficult when grandchildren live far away or your adult child does not have custody. Grandparents need to find ways to continue and maintain the relationship with grandchildren. For instance, communicating via phone, e-mail, letters, and cards, sending pictures, tape-recording a childhood story, or videotapes can be some ways to keep in touch with grandchildren.

Cope with changing roles. Grandparents need to set new goals to adjust to the changes. For instance, even if your adult child does not have custody of the grandchildren, grandparents need to think about what you can do and what you want out of the relationship with your grandchildren such as a sense of history for your grandchildren, long-lasting memories, outings, and fun times together.

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		University of Missouri Extension Jackson County Jacksonblsp@missouri.edu Updated 12/13/06