Forgiveness

Nina Chen, Ph.D.

Human Development Specialist

 What is forgiveness? Webster's New World Dictionary defines "forgive" as "(1) to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with and (2) to give up all claim to punish . . .; (3) to cancel or remit (a debt)." Forgiveness is a process to help people release their pain and anger and feel stronger and less vulnerable to others.

Forgiveness is not forgetting or meaning you agree with what the other person did to you. Forgiveness means letting go of blame, hurt, and resentments. Forgiveness can break the cycle of hate and resentment and provide opportunities to bring peace of mind, joy, love, and positive outlooks.  Forgiving someone or forgiving self gives people more time and energy to achieve their goals and help create harmony.  Forgiveness also means that even if we cannot get along or love each other any more, we can forgive each other.

Forgiving someone can be good for your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.  Several studies have shown the benefits of forgiveness.  For instance, forgiveness is linked to lower blood pressure, improved health, more life satisfaction, and less associated with anger and depression than people who have not forgiven.

You may ask yourself "I was hurt so deeply, how can I forgive my ex-spouse?" You may not forget your wounds, unfairness, or injustice, however, when you forgive, you will free yourself from the bondage of anger and the control of a painful past and feel relief to move forward to your future.

Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness is a choice. To forgive takes a decision, time, and effort. But if you don't forgive, you may always carry intense emotional pain, anger, burdens, resentment, and hurt in your life. If you want to move forward and for the sake of your children, it is critical to forgive and ask for forgiveness when you have offended your ex-spouse. Forgiveness can be a turning point in recovery from a divorce.

References:

Enright, R.D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step by step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.