Children and Divorce

 By Nina Chen, Ph.D.
Human Development Specialist

Divorce is painful and stressful for adults and confusing and frightening for children.  Children react to parent’s divorce differently at different ages.  For instance, for infants, they may lose their appetite, have an upset stomach and be more anxious. For toddlers, they may cry or cling more, have sleep problems, withdraw, bite or be irritable; for preschoolers, they may feel responsible or uncertain about the future, become aggressive, have more nightmares. For elementary school children, they may feel a sense of loss, hope parents will get back together, complain of headaches or stomachaches, worry about the future. Preteens and adolescents may feel angry, abandoned, try to take control over the family, or show extreme good or bad behavior.

If parents are going through divorce, be sure to be aware of the children’s reactions and feelings.  Open, honest, and frequent communication is very important.  Get children to talk more by asking specific questions, then they will start talking and telling you more about their concerns and feelings.  Be sure to listen carefully about how they feel and what they mean.

Some children may feel it is their fault.  Parents need to tell their children that parents love them and they are not responsible or did not cause the parent’s divorce.  Children need to feel support from both parents.  Parents can help their children understand that there will be differences, such as a new schedule, new environment and new ways of communication.  Parents can help children go through the difficult time by following daily routines, avoid being in a hurry all the time and putting your children in the middle, using storybooks to help children talk about their feelings, having special time together and avoid involving children in parental struggles.

Do you know what children usually say about their parents divorce?  They say their parents didn’t know how they feel.  Children need parents to listen to what they say and feel.  What children need from both parents is simple, for instance:

·        They need to feel love from both parents

·        They need to be free of guilt by being told that their parents’ divorce was not their fault.

·        They need to be assured for the future

·        They need to be supported emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually

·        They need to have hope for the future

·        They need to know both parents will remain in their life.

Finally, both parents are responsible to create their children’s sense of security in their world.  All these require love, patience, and understanding.

Children’s books on divorce:

·        Why are we getting a divorce? By Peter Mayle, Crown Publishing.

·        Daddy doesn’t live here anymore. By R. Turow.

·        Months of Sundays. By R. Blue, New York, Franlin Watts, Inc.

·        Free to be… A family. A book about all kinds of belongings.  By Marlo Thomas, Bantam Books.

·        How it feels when parents divorce. A dialogue between parent and child.  By Early Grollman, Beacon.

References:

Focus on Kids. Videotape, University of Missouri Outreach and Extension
The Effects of Divorce on Children.  Debord, K (1995). University of Missouri Outreach and Extension.

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